The ’90s Nostalgia Project: Matilda

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Hi again!  I swear you all will actually get another Canada post one of these days, but unfortunately not until my life calms down again.  Which, if I’m lucky, will be after this Friday, but we’ll see.  I’m not promising anything.

In the meantime, though, I’ve been busily livetweeting, and this time I’m here to bring you my tweet recap of Matilda!  Without further ado:

  • ah yes, hyper-closeup on a baby’s face, exactly how I wanted to start things off
  • tbh same tho
  • how is this kid so expressive
  • I feel like I’m watching The Sopranos by way of Arrested Development
  • god the cinematography in this movie though
  • all the overhead shots combined with the omniscient narrator, *damn*
  • k but why do I get the feeling Gaston would turn out very much like Mr. Wormwood
  • y’all, THIS LIBRARY. I’m dying it’s so beautiful
  • I want this chair.
  • so wait the time jump just happened and she’s like eight or nine now but she still goes to the library during the day?
  • is this kid literally homeschooling herself?
  • god I just. I have no words for how horrendous the rest of the Wormwoods are.
  • THAT’S RIGHT, KIDDO, YOU TELL ‘EM
  • oh my god. she’s about to blow this joint omg I love her so much
  • dear god what is that Ninja Turtles mask Zinnia is wearing
  • I paused at exactly the right moment
  • wait why is Matilda going with them for a change
  • oh god I just figured out who Harry Wormwood reminds me of. oh god.
  • let’s just leave that there.
  • anyway, Donald Wormwood is at his car dealership showing Barron whatsisface and poor undeserving Matilda the Art of the Steel or w/e
  • I’m pretty sure half the stuff he’s doing to these heaps of garbage would make them explode
  • well, that gives “hat trick” a whole different meaning
  • wait am I seriously hearing the rules of this fictional game show right
  • that’s lowkey gross af. anyway, moving on.
  • “Moby what?” oh my god
  • getting highkey Clockwork Orange vibes from this TV-watching scene and I’m so sure that’s on purpose
  • ………………………..totally forgot Matilda was telekinetic. whoops.
  • oh christ please miss me with the “we only use a tiny portion of our brains” thing
  • can you believe ppl still use that trope. wow. (looking at you, Lucy and Limitless)
  • a wild Ms. Trunchbull appears
  • “they’re all mistakes, children… glad I never was one.” Agatha Trunchbull, confirmed cryptid
  • Lavender is a lil cutie and I want to adopt both her and Matilda
  • Trunchbull went to the Jaime Lannister school of disciplining kids
  • k but how does Hortensia have all this time for a backstory dump when the Trunch is going all Patton on everyone
  • ……………….super not appreciating the butch-coding with Trunchbull.
  • oh dear lord this is literally the school from Hard Times I can’t.
  • I’ve been getting Dickensian vibes from this whole movie and just now realized it
  • also, tonally, this movie is a perfect counterpart to A Series of Unfortunate Events
  • (which, incidentally, I got Dickensian vibes from before I’d ever read Dickens)
  • oh hell-LO THERE MISS HONEY
  • being Miss Honey in Crunchem is a perfect metaphor for being a teacher at all in the state of Oklahoma tbh
  • I’m amazed any classroom has windows in a place like Crunchem
  • I love how Matilda starts to answer that one multiplication problem and then starts mumbling halfway through when ppl notice her
  • Miss Honey is the only person besides Harry Potter himself who can actually pull off giant round Harry Potter glasses
  • you can tell this movie was made a while ago bc nobody whips out their phone to check Matilda’s multiplication
  • “what do you like to read?”
    “everything.”
    k move over Miss Honey I’m adopting her
  • (or, y’know, we could co-parent… I’d be more than okay with that…)
  • okay Matilda just name-dropped Charles Dickens. Roald Dahl knew exactly what he was doing lmao
  • ugh fr Miss Honey’s soft voice is a Problem
  • Miss Honey is so much braver than I am, I absolutely would not have knocked on Trunchbull’s door if I’d heard those sounds from her office
  • it’s fine, it’s fine, I’m sure she’s just playing Grand Theft Auto
  • UM HOW IS THIS ACCEPTABLE
  • new hypothesis: this movie is set in an alternate near-future where Betsy DeVos has already gutted the Department of Education
  • also how did the set designers get ahold of so many school pictures for this what were those conversations like
  • “hey can I use your kid’s school picture in my movie”
    “sure, for what?”
    “the villain throwing darts at it”
    “…………..”
  • wait hold on the kid playing Michael looks like the kid who plays young Wilson Fisk in Daredevil.
  • no way it’s the same kid, but that’s hysterical
  • DRAG HIM, MISS HONEY
  • for real how is it that Harry was humiliated by bleached hair but will answer the door while clearly in the middle of a dye job
  • SAME
  • when a Dump Truck supporter says some ignorant sh*t
  • when you realize the Wormwoods definitely would have voted for Dump Truck
  • when you realize Dump Truck definitely would have picked Agatha Trunchbull for Secretary of Education over even Betsy DeVos
  • “don’t sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood.”
    oh my god I hate that this movie is still so relevant wtfffffffffff
  • the Wormwoods’ house looks like the set of the Addams Family
  • which, fun fact, was pink in order to look the right shade of gray on camera
  • I’m not kidding
  • “well it’s hard for me to remember a specific cake” and just like that, Bruce Bogtrotter became one of my favorite characters
  • “my mom’s is better” HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • this is some book-Harry-Potter level sass right here and I am LIVING
  • on this episode of “I paused at exactly the right moment”
  • that is a, uh, bizarre idea of punishment you have there, Trunchy
  • okay yeah I definitely will not be able to eat chocolate cake for a while
  • PLOT TWIST
  • THE PEOPLE UNITED WILL NEVER BE DEFEATED
  • actual footage of how well the inquiry appears to be going
  • lawl the scene where Trunchbull is coming to Miss Honey’s classroom is so very School of Rock I can’t
  • ah yes, schools with no children, just like health insurance that doesn’t cover any health-related matters at all
  • okay I’ll stop, that’s not fair, would have covered Viagra and hair implants and all stress injuries brought on by excessive golf
  • (k I’m really done now)
  • the whole class is subtweeting the hell out of Trunchbull with that poem and I am living
  • wait okay why has Trunchbull apparently not noticed that Matilda has mysteriously teleported from the Choker thingy to that classroom
  • that poor newt, ewwwww
  • sacrificial newt
  • (god that tweet would look weird out of context)
  • The Help (2011)
  • ooooooooooh Matilda, girlfran, you’ve got some nerve raising your hand rn
  • she’d better deliver the smackdown of the century
  • “why is there a swing [outside Trunchbull’s house]?” that’s my girl, always asking the real questions
  • OH GOD I CAN’T WITH THIS MISS HONEY BACKSTORY
  • me
  • wait ok are they using the same tiny child for young Miss Honey as they did for young Matilda?
  • Miss Honey’s rent is $50 a month??????? 😫😫😫 foh
  • I love this episode of Tiny House Hunters
  • “I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of” – sweetpea you literally just saw her do the newt lambada
  • that is not a particularly good hedge through which to spy on Trunchbull
  • that’s really not even a hedge
  • well this is, uh………. definitely some kind of look.
  • the belt. what is with the belt.
  • is it specially designed to keep all the bats inside her
  • are there spells worked into the leather to keep her from metamorphosing back into one of the Old Gods
  • I swear to God, Trenchfoot, if you touch that cat I will reach through my laptop screen and string you up by that beloved belt of yours
  • Matilda is so down for casual breaking and entering this is great
  • chaotic good
  • k back up, did Matilda pick the lock with her mind or did Trenchfoot leave it unlocked?
  • grudgingly impressed at Trunchbull’s ability to deadlift half her car’s weight
  • how in the snot did they not hear Trunchbull on the front drive
  • okay NOW they hear her
  • um, surely there’s a way out that doesn’t involve sneaking through the giant open entry hall
  • oh, NOW you mention the kitchen door? thanks, Miss Honey, that would have been great to know thirty seconds ago
  • dear god, Trunch, surely there are more effective ways to flush out an intruder than Hulksmashing your entire house
  • holy cannoli this is tense
  • UM, OKAY, I’M PRETTY SURE MISS HONEY AND MATILDA JUST WALKED INTO A LITERAL MURDER BASEMENT
  • THIS IS FINE
  • “just wait till she leaves, then we’ll go get your doll”
    “WHAT?”
    “just kidding.”
    Matilda you lil snarkmonster I love you
  • oh my dear sweet baby jesus one of the FBI agents looks like Stephen Miller
  • HA YES SLAM THAT DOOR IN HIS SMUG FACE
  • this sequence is better than any superhero training montage ever sorry I don’t make the rules
  • it just occurred to me that I haven’t seen her brother for the past half-hour, at least
  • spoke too soon
  • ah yes the rarely executed Reverse Carrot
  • oh yes pls tell me Matilda is about to Reverse Carrot the hell out of Trunchbull
  • okay well rescuing Lissie-doll Chamber-of-Secrets style is almost as good
  • omg. this is ARTFUL trolling
  • and Matilda is the most chaotic good to ever chaotic good
  • AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED YOU’RE JUST ANOTHER PICTURE TO BURN
  • (definitely had to look up the lyrics for that)
  • oh no OH NO NOT THE RIBBON
  • just gonna leave this here
  • k but for real has somebody done a comparative analysis of femininity in Matilda and Carrie because I’d read the hell out of that article
  • OH MY GOD some kid just called Trunchbull “sir” this situation is about to escalate extremely quickly
  • here’s a novel idea for you, Trunchbull, people can do different stuff with their hair on different days
  • that red ribbon schtick is just flimsy evidence. inadmissible.
  • OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING IT’S HAPPENING
  • THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL, FOLKS
  • or, um, the chalkboard. same diff.
  • I’m surprised they’re not making more of the possible murder plotline, though. like what evidence do we have that Trunchbull killed Magnus?
  • beyond, that is, her eternally sunny disposition.
  • which they have taken great pains to emphasize.
  • Trunchbull hasn’t been shown as greedy, at least not that I saw. just unbelievably cruel.
  • so if she did kill Magnus, did she literally only off him so that she could torture Miss Honey with impunity?
  • I’m confused.
  • so wait is she dead
  • did that belt finally choke the life out of her or
  • nope. not dead. definitely not dead.
  • YOU SPIN MY HEAD RIGHT ROUND RIGHT ROUND
  • k as cathartic as this complete humiliation of Trunchbull is, I hope the movie has an equally devastating dragging coming for the Wormwoods
  • tag yourself I’m the girl with the glasses who’s all like “just try, I dare you”
  • I also have complicated thoughts about how food and weight are gendered in this movie
  • what do you want to bet Matilda did the bulk of Miss Honey’s redecorating for her
  • oh wonderful, here come the rest of the Wormwoods. please please please summarily humiliate them, Matilda
  • GOD BLESS YOU MISS HONEY
  • also I’m just lmaoing at “permanent vacation to Guam”
  • Matilda how on earth did you get ADOPTION PAPERS from a book in the library
  • it’d be one thing if you had Googled them, but sheesh
  • wait, they just got off relatively scot-free like that? come ON
  • ……………….hold up.
  • moral of the story: having fun isn’t hard when you have a library card
  • and I have Thoughts(TM) about the narrative purposes of Matilda’s powers and the gendering of food and stuff but those will come later
  • MMMPH I JUST REALIZED they totally dropped the murder plot thread. there was nothing about it after Trunchbull’s humiliation

Whoosh, there you have it!  I’ll be back with more Buffy soon-ish.  Till then:

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