Fall Out Phantom: The Masterpost, Part One

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(AKA The Awful Adventures of Ghostbro and Broni Friendzoni)

Hey all!  I haven’t actually finished livetweeting The Phantom of the Opera yet, but since it’s such a long book, I’m going to go ahead and break the tweets up into a few different posts (I don’t know how many just yet).  In this post, you’ll find my tweets for the prologue through chapter 9.

UPDATE:  part 2 (chapters 10-17) and part 3 (chapter 18-end)

Here goes:

  • I HAVE OFFICIALLY REACHED 20K WORDS FOR #NaNoWriMo . Now I get to read/livetweet The Phantom of the Opera.

Prologue: “IN WHICH THE AUTHOR OF THIS SINGULAR WORK INFORMS THE READER HOW HE ACQUIRED THE CERTAINTY THAT THE OPERA GHOST REALLY EXISTED”

  • It’s like a Fall Out Boy song title
    • Thnks Fr Th Msc Lsns
    • This Ain’t A Scene (It’s A Goddamn Aria)
    • I Slept with Someone in the Paris Opera and All I Got Was This Stupid Book Written About Me
  • “The Opera ghost really existed.” And how did he exist, Monsieur Leroux? “…in flesh and blood…”
  • oh my god, these Fall Out Phantom song titles distracted me SO MUCH – back to the book
  • (I’ll probably be able to come up with much funnier ones once I’ve actually read the book)
  • *coughs* *straightens scarf* *sits up* right, I’m actually going back to the book now.
  • So we’re getting a framing narrative like we did with Carmilla’s Dr. Hesselius and Turn of the Screw’s Douglas/unnamed narrator.
  • Blah blah, framing narrator is talking about his research process – HOLD UP
  • “the disappearance of the Vicomte de Chagny and the death of his elder brother, Count Philippe” – GOD DANG, LEROUX, TAG YOUR SPOILERS
  • seriously, what IS IT with all these Gothic writers and revealing their big plot twists right away?
  • doesn’t that defeat the entire purpose of the story?
  • you’re supposed to creep us out, Leroux, and that’s NOT GOING TO HAPPEN if you keep TELLING ME WHAT’LL HAPPEN IN YOUR STORY
  • BLAH BLAH BLAH more research methods aka please just shut up
  • I’m finally done with that long-winded prologue, thank heavens. Ugh.

“Chapter I: Is it the Ghost?”
spoiler alert: it is

  • So these dancers barge into the principal ballerina’s dressing room, and they’re absolutely freaking out.
  • One of them even declares, “It’s the ghost!” And what do we get after this? A DESCRIPTION OF THE DRESSING ROOM
  • “Sorelli’s dressing-room was fitted up with official, commonplace elegance” – oh my god, shut up and tell me about the ghost
  • Leroux has thus far described Jammes and Giry in exactly the same syntactical fashion – ridiculously long hyphenated asides.
  • If he does that one more time, I may scream
  • Apparently people blame this ghost for literally everything. Poor guy.
  • Ooh, a Mr. Joseph Buquet is actually describing the ghost now. Good, let’s actually get down to business for once
  • though I don’t really appreciate Leroux dismissing the girls as silly while treating Joseph’s word as gospel truth
  • I feel like I’m at kind of an advantage reading this, since I haven’t actually seen the musical
  • I mean, this mofo does NOT look like Gerard Butler. Like, at all.
  • Let’s take stock of Joseph Buquet’s description of this ghost, shall we?
  • 1. “He is extraordinarily thin and his dress-coat hangs on a skeleton frame.”
  • 2. “His eyes are so deep that you can hardly see the fixed pupils. You just see two big black holes, as in a dead man’s skull.”
  • side note, I can’t be the only one thinking of this guy, right?
  • 3. “His nose is so little worth talking about that you can’t see it side-face” – OMG VOLDEMORT
  • and 4. “All the hair he has is three or four long dark locks on his forehead and behind his ears.” so basically a Homer Simpson ‘do
  • seriously though
  • “For instance, a fireman is a brave fellow! He fears nothing, least of all fire!” I… okay. I’m just gonna… *sigh*
  • okay, apparently Leroux’s point with that was that the ghost scared the crap out of a fireman
  • oh my god. y’all.
  • the fireman freaked b/c “he had seen coming toward him, AT THE LEVEL OF HIS HEAD, BUT WITHOUT A BODY ATTACHED TO IT, A HEAD OF FIRE!”
  • and yes, the capital letters are as they are in the book.
  • what’s really funny is that “AT THE LEVEL OF HIS HEAD, BUT WITHOUT A BODY ATTACHED TO IT” is bolded, but nothing else is
  • because apparently a disembodied head by itself is scarier than a disembodied head that’s literally on fire
  • or maybe that’s just the Kindle edition being jank, I don’t know
  • the dancers are all like “but that’s totally not what the ghost looked like before!” and then they’re like “HE MUST HAVE LOTS OF HEADS”
  • “To return to the evening in question.” OH MY GOD, ABOUT TIME
  • So anyway, all the dancers are in Sorelli the principal’s dressing room having a collective meltdown, and there are creepy noises outside.
  • Sorelli: I’m gonna open the door
    Dancers: Sorelli no
    Sorelli: Sorelli yes
  • “Sorelli, armed with a dagger that never left her” – wow, from 0 to favorite side character in 0.00002 seconds
  • And of course, there’s no one outside the dressing room making the creepy noises. No one they can see, anyway.
  • “You know the Persian has the evil eye—-” – uh how about you don’t
  • According to the dancers, this guy named Gabriel saw the ghost and then had ALL THE BAD LUCK
  • “He had seen the ghost behind the Persian, THE GHOST WITH THE DEATH’S HEAD” – again with the sudden caps
  • oh what the heck, this ghost apparently has a private box
  • heck, I want a private box in the Paris opera… guess I have to go haunt some folks now
  • “No one has had it for over a month, except the ghost, and orders have been given at the box-office that it must never be sold.” – bruh
  • this is one freakin pampered ghost
  • me rn, literally:
    Photo on 2014-11-12 at 22.46
  • So apparently even when a performance is going on, “you only hear [the ghost] when he is in the box.” Even now, he’s basically just a voice
  • “Joseph Buquet had no business to talk of things that don’t concern him–it will bring him bad luck”- I detect heavy-handed foreshadowing
  • Aaaaaaaand sure enough, Joseph Buquet is dead.
  • Just like that, I’m done feeling sorry for this ghost.
  • “Yes, he was found hanging in the third-floor cellar!” – ghostface goes hard, y’all
  • …ghost hard or ghost home?
  • “Sorelli was very pale. ‘I shall never be able to recite my speech,’ she said” – oh, THAT’S what you’re concerned about?
  • “By the time [some random dude] had rushed down the staircase and the Jacob’s ladder, the man was no longer hanging from his rope!”- oh boy
  • and the rope straight-up disappeared too
  • I guess you could say Joseph and the rope have… gone ghost

“Chapter II – The New Margarita” – I’m sure this refers to something other than the alcoholic beverage, but… I got nothing

  • Sorelli just ran into Philippe (is that how this guy’s name is spelled?), and this guy is WAY TOO EXCITED
  • “Oh, Sorelli, what an evening! And Christine Daae: what a triumph!” – breaking news, Philippe, A MAN JUST DIED.
  • Leroux is absolutely fawning over Christine’s newly revealed vocal talent. This is like some Susan Boyle ish right here.
  • Sighhhhhhhh now we get the whole history of Raoul and Philippe’s family or something like that
  • So apparently Philippe is the super manly man and Raoul is the effeminate little brother
  • “I know that the count was said to be ‘on terms’ with Sorelli.” – ooh gurl.
  • “Raoul tore his gloves without knowing what he was doing” – someone’s got a cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuush
  • and Philippe’s all over here like *Raoul and Christine sittin’ in a tree…*
  • okay but why on earth is everybody and their grandma backstage at Christine’s dressing room
  • “‘Don’t you think, Doctor, that those gentlemen had better clear the room?’ asked Raoul coolly” – oh yay, someone agrees with me
  • “[Raoul], therefore, remained in the room watching Christine” – um, okay, that’s a little creepy
  • you are literally in Christine’s dressing room, Raoul, don’t you think that’s a bit of a personal space invasion?
  • never mind, clearly not
  • this Kindle edition is seriously jank
    Screen shot 2014-11-12 at 11.14.15 PM
  • Christine’s rallied by this point, and she’s just like “get the f*** out of here, all of you”
  • WHAT THE HECK, RAOUL
  • “One idea alone filled Raoul’s burning brain: of course, Daae wished to be left alone FOR HIM!” – oh my god, you entitled sack of potatoes
  • what part of “she wants to be left alone” did you not understand?
  • like it just blows my mind how Christine’s assistant told Raoul she wanted to be left alone and Raoul was like SHE WANTS TO TALK TO MEEEE
  • seriously, what a selfish, ego-tripping, tone-deaf outgrowth of shower mold
  • (that has to be one of my favorite insults I’ve ever made up)
  • “But his hand dropped. He had heard A MAN’S VOICE in the dressing-room” – OMG CALL THE DAILY MAIL, THERE’S A SCANDAL BREWING
  • I’m deriving supreme pleasure from imagining Raoul’s agonized reaction to hearing “A MAN’S VOICE” in Christine’s dressing room
  • side note, I’ll probably be using “Raoul” and “Broni Friendzoni” interchangeably for the rest of the livetweet
  • ooh la la, the man’s voice has a “curiously masterful tone”~
  • And what does our ~mystery man~ say in his ~curiously masterful tone~?
    “Christine, you must love me!”
    …um.
  • words cannot describe the way in which I just cringed
  • Christine’s reply: “How can you talk like that? WHEN I SING ONLY FOR YOU!”
  • makin’ it weird with Christine Daae 2kalways
  • also, the random capslock is definitely screwing with me
  • “Raoul leaned against the panel to ease his pain.” – oh cool, next time I have a headache I should just lean against a freakin’ wall
  • “The whole passage echoed with its beating… Surely, if his heart continued to make such a noise, they would hear it inside” – #poe
  • “The man’s voice spoke again: ‘Are you very tired?'” – what the crap do you think, bro
  • come on, Christine just sang like three or four boss-level songs, do you honestly think she’s going to be bouncing off the walls?
  • on this episode of Was That Supposed To Be Italics Or Smallcaps?:
    Screen shot 2014-11-12 at 11.32.58 PM
  • “At one and the same time, [Broni Friendzoni] had learned what love meant, and hatred.” – okay, back up, broski
  • k so it’s pretty obvious that Raoul’s been in lurve with Christine since they were kids and he rescued her scarf from the sea or w/e
  • and since she doesn’t remember who he is, I think I can presume they really didn’t see much of each other after that occasion
  • but like. holding on to something like that for *years*, 99% of the time, isn’t a hallmark of love. it’s a hallmark of creepy obsession
  • so, in conclusion, we’re only in chapter 2 and Raoul has already thoroughly earned the title of Broni Friendzoni
  • So Christine leaves the dressing room. Raoul, surprisingly, doesn’t follow her. He DOES, however, go into her dressing room.
  • Arguably even creepier.
  • aaaaaand wouldn’t you know it, there’s no one in the dressing room. Broni’s batting a thousand tonight, folks
  • “lover though he was, he did not even think of stealing a ribbon that would have given him the perfume of the woman he loved.” criiiiiiiinge
  • if Leroux is going to spend the entire rest of the book glorifying Broni here, someone please warn me so I can arm myself with reaction gifs
  • “At a given moment in his wayward progress, an icy draft struck [Raoul] in the face.” – just like I’d like to do
  • Raoul just encountered a bunch of workmen bringing out Joseph Buquet’s body. Cool cool.
  • And that’s the end of chapter 2. Good god.

“Chapter III: The Mysterious Reason”
that just sounds like something a random book title generator would spit out

  • And of course, that retirement party is still happening, even though someone died. The show must go on, I guess.
  • “None will ever be a true Parisian who has not learned to wear a mask of gaiety over his sorrows and one of sadness… over his inward joy.”
  • that last tweet was filed under “clearly a thematic statement”
  • so everybody’s happy and partying and probably slightly drunk – perfect time for Jammes to scream, “The Opera ghost!”
  • aaaaaand everybody’s like WHAT UP BRO?!
  • somehow, it’s completely plausible to these people that it’s actually some guy wearing a mask. okay, then
  • honestly, Jammes and Giry are the only ones with any common sense – they’re both screaming their heads off
  • or maybe they’re just the only ones who aren’t drunk
  • “Sorelli was furious; she had not been able to finish her speech” – god dang it, Sorelli
  • my question is, why do the theater managers think it’s a good idea to pass their keys around?
  • and oh look, the ghost is back
  • “There sat the ghost, as natural as could be” – sorry but how is the lovechild of Ghostface and Voldemort natural in any way, shape, or form
  • so basically the new managers think Ghostface is a friend of the old managers, and the old managers think blah blah vicy versy
  • just. people’s reactions to everything in this book blow my mind.
  • “she wants to be alone? clearly she wants to talk to me” #phantomreactions
  • “there’s a ghost in our opera house? let’s reserve a box for him” #phantomreactions
  • “someone died? aw crap, now I won’t be able to give my neat little speech” #phantomreactions
  • “a dude who looks like death? eh, he must be one of the manager’s friends” #phantomreactions
  • I get the feeling #phantomreactions is going to keep being a thing
  • “But M. Moncharmin declares, in his Memoirs, that the guest’s nose was transparent” – what’s that they say about denial being a river?
  • “I… will add that this might… apply to a false nose. M. Moncharmin may have taken for transparency what was only shininess.” r u srs
  • like are we seriously devolving into a discussion of the finer points of ghosts wearing false noses
  • “Everybody knows that orthopaedic science provides beautiful false noses for those who have lost their noses naturally” – are you for real
  • I seriously cannot believe I just read that sentence. Anyway, moving on
  • The ghost speaks!… which actually isn’t that surprising considering he’s appeared as a disembodied voice before
  • “The death of that poor Buquet is perhaps not so natural as people think.” – the ghost. Troll hard or go home, I guess.
  • Ghost: so that Joseph Buquet guy
    Ghost: he was totally murdered
    Everyone:
    Ghost: it’s funny because I did it
  • okay, NOW the former theater managers are freaking out – about time
  • “They replied that there was something worse, which was the GHOST.” – capslock, man, it really messes with the tone of a statement
  • oh god, they got “formal orders from the ghost himself to ask us to be pleasant to him and to grant any request that he might make” – YIKES
  • so basically this ghost has everyone at the opera house thoroughly whipped
  • The ghost literally wrote addenda to the managers’ handbook. I am so not kidding.
  • this ghostbro is literally asking for AN ALLOWANCE HOLY CRAP ARE YOU ACTUALLY TWELVE YEARS OLD
  • and like. he’s literally asking for 240k francs a year. (does anyone happen to know what that would be in today’s money?)
    • [edit after the fact:  according to @SilverbirdUSA, that’s $1.1 million a year]
    • …um.
    • and how long has Ghostbro been haunting this place? I mean, he’s gotta qualify for the 1 percent at some point
  • “`Box Five on the grand tier shall be placed at the disposal of the Opera ghost for every performance.'” – more handbook graffiti
  • Ghostbro is… let’s just call him a piece of work and move on
  • surely this cannot get any more ludicrous
  • the lost stage cues for that second line include howling wind and spotlights on Debienne and Poligny
    Screen shot 2014-11-13 at 6.56.30 PM

“Chapter IV: Box Five”
*band geek snickers*

  • So now Moncharmin and Richard are in charge of the opera house, and everything’s going swimmingly. Right?
  • LOL OF COURSE NOT.
  • Richard’s secretary comes in from her mail run bearing a letter written in the same creepy handwriting they saw in the handbook.
  • “La Carlotta, who sings like a squirt” – OKAY, GHOSTBRO, EXCUSE THE HECK OUT OF YOU
  • Ghostbro: lol nice try kiddos, now don’t reserve my box again or I will literally end you so hard
  • I wasn’t kidding:
    Screen shot 2014-11-13 at 7.02.15 PM
  • this ghost is quite the little a-hole
  • seriously, why on earth do people call this a love story? this dude is clearly the holiest of the a’s.
  • Moncharmin just referred to “that little Christine Daae” and I kind of want to slap him
  • stop infantilizing women 2kalways
  • the next morning’s mail run
    ghost: hey thanks y’all now where’s my money
    Debienne/Poligny: are you kidding? we’re not going in that box
  • and wouldn’t you know it, Moncharmin and Richard sold the box again anyways. this is going to turn out so well
  • oh boy, Leroux is switching to the POV of a police inspector now…
  • the people who bought the box for the night: yay we found our seats
    ghost: lol I don’t think so
  • and that was the extent of the incident… to be frank, I was expecting another murder
  • Richard’s all like
  • turns out the lady in charge of box five last night was Giry’s mom.
  • oh what the heck, apparently the ghost broke someone’s leg too
  • what a miserable human-shaped collection of cow turds
  • the book keeps referring to Faust – it’ll be interesting to see how that plays out thematically
  • …so according to the story Mme. Giry just told, the ghost just goaded someone into breaking another someone’s leg
  • because Ghostbro apparently never gets tired of bossing people around, he always asks Mme. Giry to get him a footstool
  • spotlight on Mme. Giry:
    Screen shot 2014-11-13 at 7.30.55 PM
  • “So now the ghost is married!” – I was wrong, this book just got more ludicrous
  • …at least Ghostbro tips Mme. Giry?
  • that’s the one thing I’ve read about him that isn’t entirely abhorrent
  • ohhhhhh boy, Mme. Giry just got fiiiiiiiiired
  • Now Richard and Moncharmin are going to investigate these Box Five shenanigans themselves. This is going to go well.

“Chapter V: The Enchanted Violin”
isn’t that a fairy tale? I feel like that’s the name of a fairy tale

  • Poor Christine’s having some stage fright issues, looks like.
  • “She acted throughout as though she were no longer the mistress of her own destiny” – yeah bc this ghost has you by the throat
  • from a letter Christine wrote: “I have not forgotten the little boy who went into the sea to rescue my scarf.”
    no
    darn it
    ugh
  • don’t entertain Raoul, Christine, he’s no better than Ghostbro
  • side note, though, something we’ve discussed in class is the sort of multimedia nature of this book
  • Leroux presents it as a collection of clips, like letters and newspaper articles and stuff, and that’s noteworthy in and of itself
  • now here’s a book that would make for a super interesting transmedia adaptation
  • Christine just asked Raoul to meet her at her father’s grave, and I’m shaking my head so hard right now
  • I mean, I was expecting it, but that doesn’t make me any less disappointed
  • oh god, and Raoul keeps having “feverish dreams that began and ended with Christine Daae” – someone please make it stop
  • Blah blah blah, Leroux’s going off on a tangent and telling us Christine’s entire backstory, whatever
  • Apparently Christine and her dad were quite the folk duo back in the day.
  • Oh and wouldn’t you know it, little Raoul first heard little Christine singing and immediately had a big awkward crush on her.
  • no really, how did Raoul manage to get Christine’s scarf from the sea without being sucked away by the undertow? plot devices, that’s how
  • Story time with Daddy Daae!… oh, we’re not going to get a full story? I see how it is.
  • oh no, now Daddy Daae’s talking about the Angel of Music. that’s it, everything’s doomed
  • “You will hear him one day, my child! When I am in Heaven, I will send him to you!”
  • fast forward three years, and Raoul and Christine are crushin’ hard
  • Daddy Daae dies, of course, and now Christine can’t sing. Wunderbar.
  • the fact that Christine seems to be enabled/controlled by men all the friggin’ time is also definitely something we’ve discussed in class
  • oh good god… Christine and Raoul have officially reunited, and good god.
  • Raoul: how did you know I’d be here in particular
    Christine: my dad told me
    Christine: my dead dad
    Raoul: that’s totally not weird at all
  • Raoul: hey Christine by the way I’m madly in love with you
    Christine: you jerk omg I just told you my dad is dead
    Raoul: oops
  • Christine: lololololololol
    Raoul: no for real Christine ilu
    Christine: lolololololololololololol
  • Christine: seriously quit with the lovey stuff
    Raoul: why did you invite me here then
    Christine: dude chill I just wanted to catch up
  • wowowowow, Raoul uses Massive Jerkface and it’s super effective
  • “But he had gone too far and saw no other way out of the ridiculous position than to behave odiously.” – oh, you little…
  • “if any one was in my way, that evening, it was yourself, since I told you to leave the room!” – yeahhhh Christine you tell him
  • Raoul: I heard literally everything
    Christine: oh god
  • Christine: so wait you were listening through the door
    Christine: why tho
    Raoul: because I love you
    Christine: …
  • Christine right now:
  • Christine just vanished in a puff of smoke (not really, but you know), and now Raoul aka Broni Friendzoni is wallowing in self-pity.
  • Raoul walks past the graveyard where Daddy Daae is buried, and oh look – a crapton of red roses are strewn about the place.
  • Because that’s not completely weird or anything.
  • okay, this church Raoul ended up at definitely wins the award for creepiest church ever
  • “Skeletons and skulls by the hundred were heaped against the wall of the church” – nOPE
  • “Dead men’s bones, arranged in rows, like bricks, to form the first course upon which the walls of the sacristy had been built”- double NOPE
  • Raoul is “painfully impressed by all those eternal smiles on the mouths of skulls” – the first part in this book that legit gave me chills
  • blah blah blah, Raoul’s wallowing some more, when a wild Christine appears!
  • Oh god, Christine’s telling Raoul that her ghost friend is the Angel of Music. This is going to turn out so well.
  • Christine: yeah I’ve been taking singing lessons from an angel
    Raoul: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    Raoul: nice one
    Raoul: …oh wait you’re not kidding
  • Raoul: but for real, Chris, someone’s gotta be pulling your leg
    Christine: first of all how dare you
    Raoul: oh crap
  • …so I think Raoul just sneaked off in the middle of the night and fell asleep in that creeptastic church? I think?
  • questionable life decisions ft. Raoul
  • “A few weeks later, when the tragedy at the Opera compelled the intervention of the public prosecutor” – hooboy
  • “I realized that I had no excuse for following her and that this way of spying on her was unworthy of me.”- at least Raoul’s self-aware?…
  • Prosecutor: “Are you at all superstitious?” Raoul: “No, monsieur, I am a practising Catholic.”
  • I don’t know if that was supposed to be funny, but I definitely snorted
  • Raoul is remarkably calm for someone who’s creepin’ in a churchyard.
  • “I myself raised my head and everything within me seemed drawn toward the invisible, WHICH WAS PLAYING THE MOST PERFECT MUSIC!” – Raoul
  • I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but if music started playing out of nowhere in a graveyard at midnight, I’d be running the opposite way
  • “The air was The Resurrection of Lazarus” – oh, of COURSE it was
  • like seriously, how is Raoul not beyond creeped out at this point
  • “When the music stopped, I seemed to hear a noise from the skulls in the heap of bones; it was as though they were chuckling” – nope nope
  • “…and I could not help shuddering” – FINALLY A SENSIBLE REACTION
  • “Did it not occur to you that the musician might be hiding behind that very heap of bones?” – the prosecutor. Now this guy, I like.
  • “First a skull rolled to my feet…then another…then another…It was as if I were the mark of that ghastly game of bowls.” – augh
  • and this, folks, is why you probably shouldn’t build a church out of/decorate a church with piles of bones in the first place
  • like seriously, what miserable twisted wretch of an architect thought that would be a good idea
  • Ghostbro: bye
    Raoul: hey wait up *catches his cloak*
    Ghostbro: *turns around*
    Raoul: k never mind
  • “I felt as if I were face to face with Satan” – well, you’re not wrong

“Chapter VI: A Visit to Box Five”

  • So Richard and Moncharmin are going to visit Box Five with the aim of proving that literally every single one of their employees is wrong
  • “…the storm phantom, who, as everybody knows, is called Adamastor.” – what… why is this relevant…
  • the ceiling in the theater is carved full of mythology references, and once again I’m wishing I knew more about mythology
  • aaaaand of course, Richard and Moncharmin saw the ghost, or some sort of shape in the box
  • “Richard said nothing, nor I either. But we spontaneously seized each other’s hand.” – bam I ship it
  • and wouldn’t you know it, they saw two different things – Moncharmin saw the death head, and Richard saw Mme. Giry
  • “lolololol let’s go up there and check it out” – Richard and Moncharmin, basically
  • Richard and Moncharmin are like “fine, we’ll occupy the box ourselves,” because of course that’s going to work out for them

    “Chapter VII: Faust and What Followed”

  • Oh hey, a letter from the ghost! Let’s see what he has to say for himself, shall we?
  • “MY DEAR MANAGERS: So it is to be war between us?” – why, you petulant little…
  • “If you still care for peace, here is my ultimatum.” – literally you are such an a-hole
  • So Ghostbro wants 4 things: his box, Christine singing Carlotta’s part in Faust, Mme. Giry’s reemployment, and agreement to his demands.
  • and re: the second thing, this is literally what he said: “Never mind about Carlotta; she will be ill.”
  • as if he’s going to make absolutely certain that Carlotta is ill. what a friggin’ TOOL
  • “If you refuse, you will give FAUST to-night in a house with a curse upon it.”
  • oh my god I hate this guy so much
  • hey look, I found Ghostbro’s theme song:
  • “‘Look here, I’m getting sick of him, sick of him!’ shouted Richard” – me too, pal, me too
  • …the opera house has a stable?!
  • “Is there a stable at the Opera? Upon my word, I didn’t know.” – uh yeah neither did we
  • why on earth does the opera house have a… you know what, never mind, I’m just going to roll with it
  • “Twelve horses! And what for, in Heaven’s name?” – I don’t know if this is Richard or Moncharmin speaking, but either way, #same
  • And what does our groom Lachenel want? “Mr. Manager, I have come to ask you to get rid of the whole stable.” I. What.
  • oh wait, Lachenel is just asking Richard to downsize the stablemen, not the horses
  • I feel like this whole thing with Richard and Moncharmin is the slapstick subplot
  • Richard: literally why do we have that many stablemen
    Mercier (another manager): *nepotism*
    Richard: hey, hey you, SHUT UP
  • What other news does Lachenel bear, you may ask? Why, that the ghost stole one of his horses.
  • “That will do, M. Lachenel. You can go…. We will lodge a complaint against THE GHOST.”
  • tbh I just want a Parks and Rec-style sitcom about Richard and Moncharmin vs. the ghost
  • Richard is literally foaming at the mouth. I bet Ghostbro is like:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XZGHOxnCto
  • A wild Mme. Giry appears! And oh boy, she looks freaked.
  • And guess what Richard does? He literally turns her around and pushes her out of the office. With his foot.
  • Ghostbro just straight-up threatened Carlotta.
  • Carlotta apparently “went about saying that she had a secret enemy who had sworn to ruin her” – and I mean, she’s not wrong
  • “The truth is that, if there was a cabal, it was led by Carlotta herself against poor Christine, who had no suspicion of it” – I… what
  • like did you miss the part just now where Ghostbro literally threatened Carlotta with a fate worse than death or
  • well, okay, Carlotta *is* kind of a huge diva, but STILL. DEATH THREAT.
  • [insert 24-hour break here]
  • So I’m actually using my physical book today (because apparently I bought that when I bought my books), and the chapter titles are different
  • This chapter, the one we left off on, is titled “In which Firmin Richard and Armand Moncharmin have the audacity to allow Faust to be…
  • “…performed in a ‘cursed’ theatre and the terrible events that ensued.” OH my god, we’ve got more Fall Out Boy song titles.
  • “Carlotta possessed neither heart nor soul. She was merely an instrument” – and Christine isn’t?
  • Because (and we discussed this in class, too) it really seems like Christine’s talent is wholly dependent on the influence of men.
  • now I guess the question is whether Leroux is doing this on purpose or if he’s just completely non-self-aware
  • “Oh, where was your soul, Carlotta, when you danced in the brothels of Barcelona?” – okay I see where this is going
  • gotta love virgin/whore dichotomies, amirite
  • …you know, in class I kept getting confused when people said they had “different editions” of this, but now it makes all the sense
  • now Leroux is saying Carlotta’s voice “demean[s] itself by performing in the salon of one of your lovers” and I want to slap this twit
  • Leroux, you condescending snotrag
  • ohhhhhhh boy, Richard’s sitting in the ghost’s chair.
  • the stage manager just burst into the box to tell Richard and Moncharmin that Christine’s friends are plotting against Carlotta
  • and this is Moncharmin’s response: “Daae has friends, then?”
  • Richard and Moncharmin left the box for like two minutes, and now there’s a box of candy in there. They’re freaked out.
  • Meanwhile, Christine’s singing on stage and sees Raoul- and her voice is “dulled and muffled as the result of some unknown… agency”
  • and you seriously want to tell me she’s not an instrument just like Carlotta, Leroux
  • Oh boy, now Philippe’s getting in on Broni Friendzoni’s act.
  • “She had had the audacity to reply that she could see neither [Raoul] nor his brother.” – oh my god, Philippe, go away
  • “He resented Christine for making Raoul suffer” – GO SUCK AN EGG, YOU WORTHLESS MUSTACHIOED PIECE OF FILTHY SIDEWALK GUM
  • “‘The conniving little minx!’ growled [Philippe] to himself” – literally stop
  • “Raoul hid his boyish tears behind the curtain of his hands” – oh, CRY ME A RIVER, you utter rubbish heap
  • okay, all things considered, Christine let Raoul down in like the nicest way possible and he’s still being a little whiny baby about it
  • So Carlotta’s actually knocking it out of the park right now. You go, girl.
  • Oh boy, Carlotta’s about to crash and burn.
  • “For her very mouth had just produced… a toad!”w h a t
  • “And what an awful, hideous, scummy, slimy, venomous, hoarse toad it was!”
  • “How did it find its way there?” GOOD FREAKIN QUESTION
  • I’m literally about to gag right now, eugh
  • “The toad in question was, of course, a metaphorical one” – WELL, YOU COULD HAVE JUST *SAID* THAT
  • I feel like this is basically the opera house right now:
  • Meanwhile, Richard and Moncharmin are absolutely certain that someone else is now in the box with them.
  • I bet Ghostbro is all like:
  • Carlotta’s rallying. Come on, girlfriend, you can do this.
  • …I take that back, apparently she can’t.
  • Oop, it’s the famous falling chandelier. And who does it kill, you ask? The gal they’d hired as Mme. Giry’s replacement.
  • a message for Ghostbro:

“Chapter IX: The Mysterious Brougham”
brb, looking up what the heck that is/how the heck to pronounce that

  • thanks, Google:
    Screen shot 2014-11-15 at 12.18.57 PM
  • So Carlotta’s sick, Christine’s god knows where, Raoul’s anxious about her, and Richard and Moncharmin are in oodles of legal trouble.
  • To be fair, I don’t think many insurance policies back in that day would have covered giant chandeliers falling on people.
  • “For [Raoul’s] judgment was remarkably sound” – pffffbffbpppbfffffft
  • Yeah, Leroux, I still wouldn’t trust Broni Friendzoni further than I could throw him
  • In his quest to bother Christine no matter the circumstances, Broni goes to visit her old caretaker, Mme. Valerius.
  • Raoul: where is Christine
    Mme. V: lol she’s with her Angel of Music ofc
    Raoul: no seriously where is she
    Mme. V: I am serious
    Raoul:
  • okay this is getting more befuddling by the second
  • “What happened was not your fault. You didn’t know. You are so young, and you thought that Christine was free.” – Mme. V. Wait, what?
  • Raoul: hold up
    Raoul: she’s engaged?
    Mme. V: oh god no, never
    Raoul: …
  • “The Spirit of Music forbids her to marry?” – for once, it looks like Raoul and I are in agreement, because WHAT THE LITERAL HECK
  • I just. I don’t even know where to start with that one
  • though I’ll probably have a lot more to say about it once I actually meet this sorry excuse for a creature
  • “‘Is Christine still pure?’ he could not help but ask” – okay you just got intel that she is LITERALLY HANGING OUT WITH A GHOST, dude
  • but of course that’s what you’re primarily worried about, of *course*
  • oh my god, and here I was thinking Raoul couldn’t possibly be any more of a tool
  • take a gander: “He was so angry with himself that he wanted to smash his head against the wall!”
    like so?
  • “To think that he had believed in her innocence, in her purity!” – holy crap, you could literally not sound more friendzoned if you tried
  • “As for Christine, what a brazen, devilishly cunning creature!” –
  • no, Philippe, don’t enable him
  • oh god, no – Philippe just told Raoul Christine had been seen with another man. BAD IDEA
  • Now Raoul’s getting ready for a “‘giddy round of pleasures,’ as the phrase goes, so as to forget his distress” – absolutely charming
  • I have been reading and rereading this one passage and laughing at it for like five minutes – pic forthcoming
  • alright, folks, this is the passage:
    the ludicrous stamping
  • so I just keep imagining Raoul standing in a little corner somewhere stamping his feet incessantly for half an hour, and god I’m laughing
  • anyway, so Raoul’s doing his little petulant foot-stamp thing when he sees – who else – Christine
  • “Dear God, how he loved her!” – no.
  • “He would confront the Angel of Music at any cost!” – bad idea, Don Juan
  • Raoul keeps shouting Christine’s name – is it weird that all I can think of is this?
  • “His heart was cold, frozen solid; he had loved an angel and now he despised a woman!” – there’s so much wrong with this… where to start?
  • firstly, this highly appropriate reaction image:
  • secondly, what we have here is another textbook case of what happens when you freaking pedestalize someone
  • thirdly, never has Raoul been more deserving of the Broni Friendzoni title
  • “How that sweet little maiden… has trifled with your affections, Raoul!” – OH, DON’T YOU START TOO, LEROUX
  • sadly, I wish I could say Critical Whale is right in this case:
  • but, unfortunately, I’ve seen some future scenes
  • next morning, Broni Friendzoni is still wallowing when he gets a letter from Christine – she wants to meet ~in secret~
  • god dang it, Christine, why are you humoring him
  • and also, if you’re in a situation like this and you have cause to write “my life depends on it,” that should be the biggest red flag ever
  • me at this entire book, basically:

Next time:  Chapters 10-18ish.  Till then…

Screen shot 2014-11-07 at 10.45.35 PM

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3 thoughts on “Fall Out Phantom: The Masterpost, Part One

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