(AKA The Awful Adventures of Ghostbro and Broni Friendzoni)
Hey all! I haven’t actually finished livetweeting The Phantom of the Opera yet, but since it’s such a long book, I’m going to go ahead and break the tweets up into a few different posts (I don’t know how many just yet). In this post, you’ll find my tweets for the prologue through chapter 9.
- I HAVE OFFICIALLY REACHED 20K WORDS FOR
#NaNoWriMo . Now I get to read/livetweet The Phantom of the Opera.
Prologue: “IN WHICH THE AUTHOR OF THIS SINGULAR WORK INFORMS THE READER HOW HE ACQUIRED THE CERTAINTY THAT THE OPERA GHOST REALLY EXISTED”
- It’s like a Fall Out Boy song title
- Thnks Fr Th Msc Lsns
- This Ain’t A Scene (It’s A Goddamn Aria)
- I Slept with Someone in the Paris Opera and All I Got Was This Stupid Book Written About Me
- “The Opera ghost really existed.” And how did he exist, Monsieur Leroux? “…in flesh and blood…”
- oh my god, these Fall Out Phantom song titles distracted me SO MUCH – back to the book
- (I’ll probably be able to come up with much funnier ones once I’ve actually read the book)
- *coughs* *straightens scarf* *sits up* right, I’m actually going back to the book now.
- So we’re getting a framing narrative like we did with Carmilla’s Dr. Hesselius and Turn of the Screw’s Douglas/unnamed narrator.
- Blah blah, framing narrator is talking about his research process – HOLD UP
- “the disappearance of the Vicomte de Chagny and the death of his elder brother, Count Philippe” – GOD DANG, LEROUX, TAG YOUR SPOILERS
- seriously, what IS IT with all these Gothic writers and revealing their big plot twists right away?
- doesn’t that defeat the entire purpose of the story?
- you’re supposed to creep us out, Leroux, and that’s NOT GOING TO HAPPEN if you keep TELLING ME WHAT’LL HAPPEN IN YOUR STORY
- BLAH BLAH BLAH more research methods aka please just shut up
- I’m finally done with that long-winded prologue, thank heavens. Ugh.
“Chapter I: Is it the Ghost?”
spoiler alert: it is
- So these dancers barge into the principal ballerina’s dressing room, and they’re absolutely freaking out.
- One of them even declares, “It’s the ghost!” And what do we get after this? A DESCRIPTION OF THE DRESSING ROOM
- “Sorelli’s dressing-room was fitted up with official, commonplace elegance” – oh my god, shut up and tell me about the ghost
- Leroux has thus far described Jammes and Giry in exactly the same syntactical fashion – ridiculously long hyphenated asides.
- If he does that one more time, I may scream
- Apparently people blame this ghost for literally everything. Poor guy.
- Ooh, a Mr. Joseph Buquet is actually describing the ghost now. Good, let’s actually get down to business for once
- though I don’t really appreciate Leroux dismissing the girls as silly while treating Joseph’s word as gospel truth
- I feel like I’m at kind of an advantage reading this, since I haven’t actually seen the musical
- I mean, this mofo does NOT look like Gerard Butler. Like, at all.
- Let’s take stock of Joseph Buquet’s description of this ghost, shall we?
- 1. “He is extraordinarily thin and his dress-coat hangs on a skeleton frame.”
- 2. “His eyes are so deep that you can hardly see the fixed pupils. You just see two big black holes, as in a dead man’s skull.”
- side note, I can’t be the only one thinking of this guy, right?
- 3. “His nose is so little worth talking about that you can’t see it side-face” – OMG VOLDEMORT
- and 4. “All the hair he has is three or four long dark locks on his forehead and behind his ears.” so basically a Homer Simpson ‘do
- seriously though
- “For instance, a fireman is a brave fellow! He fears nothing, least of all fire!” I… okay. I’m just gonna… *sigh*
- okay, apparently Leroux’s point with that was that the ghost scared the crap out of a fireman
- oh my god. y’all.
- the fireman freaked b/c “he had seen coming toward him, AT THE LEVEL OF HIS HEAD, BUT WITHOUT A BODY ATTACHED TO IT, A HEAD OF FIRE!”
- and yes, the capital letters are as they are in the book.
- what’s really funny is that “AT THE LEVEL OF HIS HEAD, BUT WITHOUT A BODY ATTACHED TO IT” is bolded, but nothing else is
- because apparently a disembodied head by itself is scarier than a disembodied head that’s literally on fire
- or maybe that’s just the Kindle edition being jank, I don’t know
- the dancers are all like “but that’s totally not what the ghost looked like before!” and then they’re like “HE MUST HAVE LOTS OF HEADS”
- “To return to the evening in question.” OH MY GOD, ABOUT TIME
- So anyway, all the dancers are in Sorelli the principal’s dressing room having a collective meltdown, and there are creepy noises outside.
- Sorelli: I’m gonna open the door
Dancers: Sorelli no
Sorelli: Sorelli yes
- “Sorelli, armed with a dagger that never left her” – wow, from 0 to favorite side character in 0.00002 seconds
- And of course, there’s no one outside the dressing room making the creepy noises. No one they can see, anyway.
- “You know the Persian has the evil eye—-” – uh how about you don’t
- According to the dancers, this guy named Gabriel saw the ghost and then had ALL THE BAD LUCK
- “He had seen the ghost behind the Persian, THE GHOST WITH THE DEATH’S HEAD” – again with the sudden caps
- oh what the heck, this ghost apparently has a private box
- heck, I want a private box in the Paris opera… guess I have to go haunt some folks now
- “No one has had it for over a month, except the ghost, and orders have been given at the box-office that it must never be sold.” – bruh
- this is one freakin pampered ghost
- me rn, literally:
- So apparently even when a performance is going on, “you only hear [the ghost] when he is in the box.” Even now, he’s basically just a voice
- “Joseph Buquet had no business to talk of things that don’t concern him–it will bring him bad luck”- I detect heavy-handed foreshadowing
- Aaaaaaaand sure enough, Joseph Buquet is dead.
- Just like that, I’m done feeling sorry for this ghost.
- “Yes, he was found hanging in the third-floor cellar!” – ghostface goes hard, y’all
- …ghost hard or ghost home?
- “Sorelli was very pale. ‘I shall never be able to recite my speech,’ she said” – oh, THAT’S what you’re concerned about?
- “By the time [some random dude] had rushed down the staircase and the Jacob’s ladder, the man was no longer hanging from his rope!”- oh boy
- and the rope straight-up disappeared too
- I guess you could say Joseph and the rope have… gone ghost
“Chapter II – The New Margarita” – I’m sure this refers to something other than the alcoholic beverage, but… I got nothing
- Sorelli just ran into Philippe (is that how this guy’s name is spelled?), and this guy is WAY TOO EXCITED
- “Oh, Sorelli, what an evening! And Christine Daae: what a triumph!” – breaking news, Philippe, A MAN JUST DIED.
- Leroux is absolutely fawning over Christine’s newly revealed vocal talent. This is like some Susan Boyle ish right here.
- Sighhhhhhhh now we get the whole history of Raoul and Philippe’s family or something like that
- So apparently Philippe is the super manly man and Raoul is the effeminate little brother
- “I know that the count was said to be ‘on terms’ with Sorelli.” – ooh gurl.
- “Raoul tore his gloves without knowing what he was doing” – someone’s got a cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuush
- and Philippe’s all over here like *Raoul and Christine sittin’ in a tree…*
- okay but why on earth is everybody and their grandma backstage at Christine’s dressing room
- “‘Don’t you think, Doctor, that those gentlemen had better clear the room?’ asked Raoul coolly” – oh yay, someone agrees with me
- “[Raoul], therefore, remained in the room watching Christine” – um, okay, that’s a little creepy
- you are literally in Christine’s dressing room, Raoul, don’t you think that’s a bit of a personal space invasion?
- never mind, clearly not
- this Kindle edition is seriously jank
- Christine’s rallied by this point, and she’s just like “get the f*** out of here, all of you”
- WHAT THE HECK, RAOUL
- “One idea alone filled Raoul’s burning brain: of course, Daae wished to be left alone FOR HIM!” – oh my god, you entitled sack of potatoes
- what part of “she wants to be left alone” did you not understand?
- like it just blows my mind how Christine’s assistant told Raoul she wanted to be left alone and Raoul was like SHE WANTS TO TALK TO MEEEE
- seriously, what a selfish, ego-tripping, tone-deaf outgrowth of shower mold
- (that has to be one of my favorite insults I’ve ever made up)
- “But his hand dropped. He had heard A MAN’S VOICE in the dressing-room” – OMG CALL THE DAILY MAIL, THERE’S A SCANDAL BREWING
- I’m deriving supreme pleasure from imagining Raoul’s agonized reaction to hearing “A MAN’S VOICE” in Christine’s dressing room
- side note, I’ll probably be using “Raoul” and “Broni Friendzoni” interchangeably for the rest of the livetweet
- ooh la la, the man’s voice has a “curiously masterful tone”~
- And what does our ~mystery man~ say in his ~curiously masterful tone~?
“Christine, you must love me!”
- words cannot describe the way in which I just cringed
- Christine’s reply: “How can you talk like that? WHEN I SING ONLY FOR YOU!”
- makin’ it weird with Christine Daae 2kalways
- also, the random capslock is definitely screwing with me
- “Raoul leaned against the panel to ease his pain.” – oh cool, next time I have a headache I should just lean against a freakin’ wall
- “The whole passage echoed with its beating… Surely, if his heart continued to make such a noise, they would hear it inside” –
- “The man’s voice spoke again: ‘Are you very tired?'” – what the crap do you think, bro
- come on, Christine just sang like three or four boss-level songs, do you honestly think she’s going to be bouncing off the walls?
- on this episode of Was That Supposed To Be Italics Or Smallcaps?:
- “At one and the same time, [Broni Friendzoni] had learned what love meant, and hatred.” – okay, back up, broski
- k so it’s pretty obvious that Raoul’s been in lurve with Christine since they were kids and he rescued her scarf from the sea or w/e
- and since she doesn’t remember who he is, I think I can presume they really didn’t see much of each other after that occasion
- but like. holding on to something like that for *years*, 99% of the time, isn’t a hallmark of love. it’s a hallmark of creepy obsession
- so, in conclusion, we’re only in chapter 2 and Raoul has already thoroughly earned the title of Broni Friendzoni
- So Christine leaves the dressing room. Raoul, surprisingly, doesn’t follow her. He DOES, however, go into her dressing room.
- Arguably even creepier.
- aaaaaand wouldn’t you know it, there’s no one in the dressing room. Broni’s batting a thousand tonight, folks
- “lover though he was, he did not even think of stealing a ribbon that would have given him the perfume of the woman he loved.” criiiiiiiinge
- if Leroux is going to spend the entire rest of the book glorifying Broni here, someone please warn me so I can arm myself with reaction gifs
- “At a given moment in his wayward progress, an icy draft struck [Raoul] in the face.” – just like I’d like to do
- Raoul just encountered a bunch of workmen bringing out Joseph Buquet’s body. Cool cool.
- And that’s the end of chapter 2. Good god.
“Chapter III: The Mysterious Reason”
that just sounds like something a random book title generator would spit out
- And of course, that retirement party is still happening, even though someone died. The show must go on, I guess.
- “None will ever be a true Parisian who has not learned to wear a mask of gaiety over his sorrows and one of sadness… over his inward joy.”
- that last tweet was filed under “clearly a thematic statement”
- so everybody’s happy and partying and probably slightly drunk – perfect time for Jammes to scream, “The Opera ghost!”
- aaaaaand everybody’s like WHAT UP BRO?!
- somehow, it’s completely plausible to these people that it’s actually some guy wearing a mask. okay, then
- honestly, Jammes and Giry are the only ones with any common sense – they’re both screaming their heads off
- or maybe they’re just the only ones who aren’t drunk
- “Sorelli was furious; she had not been able to finish her speech” – god dang it, Sorelli
- my question is, why do the theater managers think it’s a good idea to pass their keys around?
- and oh look, the ghost is back
- “There sat the ghost, as natural as could be” – sorry but how is the lovechild of Ghostface and Voldemort natural in any way, shape, or form
- so basically the new managers think Ghostface is a friend of the old managers, and the old managers think blah blah vicy versy
- just. people’s reactions to everything in this book blow my mind.
- “she wants to be alone? clearly she wants to talk to me”
- “there’s a ghost in our opera house? let’s reserve a box for him”
- “someone died? aw crap, now I won’t be able to give my neat little speech”
- “a dude who looks like death? eh, he must be one of the manager’s friends”
- I get the feeling
#phantomreactions is going to keep being a thing
- “But M. Moncharmin declares, in his Memoirs, that the guest’s nose was transparent” – what’s that they say about denial being a river?
- “I… will add that this might… apply to a false nose. M. Moncharmin may have taken for transparency what was only shininess.” r u srs
- like are we seriously devolving into a discussion of the finer points of ghosts wearing false noses
- “Everybody knows that orthopaedic science provides beautiful false noses for those who have lost their noses naturally” – are you for real
- I seriously cannot believe I just read that sentence. Anyway, moving on
- The ghost speaks!… which actually isn’t that surprising considering he’s appeared as a disembodied voice before
- “The death of that poor Buquet is perhaps not so natural as people think.” – the ghost. Troll hard or go home, I guess.
- Ghost: so that Joseph Buquet guy
Ghost: he was totally murdered
Ghost: it’s funny because I did it
- okay, NOW the former theater managers are freaking out – about time
- “They replied that there was something worse, which was the GHOST.” – capslock, man, it really messes with the tone of a statement
- oh god, they got “formal orders from the ghost himself to ask us to be pleasant to him and to grant any request that he might make” – YIKES
- so basically this ghost has everyone at the opera house thoroughly whipped
- The ghost literally wrote addenda to the managers’ handbook. I am so not kidding.
- this ghostbro is literally asking for AN ALLOWANCE HOLY CRAP ARE YOU ACTUALLY TWELVE YEARS OLD
- and like. he’s literally asking for 240k francs a year. (does anyone happen to know what that would be in today’s money?)
- [edit after the fact: according to @SilverbirdUSA, that’s $1.1 million a year]
- and how long has Ghostbro been haunting this place? I mean, he’s gotta qualify for the 1 percent at some point
- “`Box Five on the grand tier shall be placed at the disposal of the Opera ghost for every performance.'” – more handbook graffiti
- Ghostbro is… let’s just call him a piece of work and move on
- surely this cannot get any more ludicrous
- the lost stage cues for that second line include howling wind and spotlights on Debienne and Poligny
“Chapter IV: Box Five”
*band geek snickers*
- So now Moncharmin and Richard are in charge of the opera house, and everything’s going swimmingly. Right?
- LOL OF COURSE NOT.
- Richard’s secretary comes in from her mail run bearing a letter written in the same creepy handwriting they saw in the handbook.
- “La Carlotta, who sings like a squirt” – OKAY, GHOSTBRO, EXCUSE THE HECK OUT OF YOU
- Ghostbro: lol nice try kiddos, now don’t reserve my box again or I will literally end you so hard
- I wasn’t kidding:
- this ghost is quite the little a-hole
- seriously, why on earth do people call this a love story? this dude is clearly the holiest of the a’s.
- Moncharmin just referred to “that little Christine Daae” and I kind of want to slap him
- stop infantilizing women 2kalways
- the next morning’s mail run
ghost: hey thanks y’all now where’s my money
Debienne/Poligny: are you kidding? we’re not going in that box
- and wouldn’t you know it, Moncharmin and Richard sold the box again anyways. this is going to turn out so well
- oh boy, Leroux is switching to the POV of a police inspector now…
- the people who bought the box for the night: yay we found our seats
ghost: lol I don’t think so
- and that was the extent of the incident… to be frank, I was expecting another murder
- Richard’s all like
- turns out the lady in charge of box five last night was Giry’s mom.
- oh what the heck, apparently the ghost broke someone’s leg too
- what a miserable human-shaped collection of cow turds
- the book keeps referring to Faust – it’ll be interesting to see how that plays out thematically
- …so according to the story Mme. Giry just told, the ghost just goaded someone into breaking another someone’s leg
- because Ghostbro apparently never gets tired of bossing people around, he always asks Mme. Giry to get him a footstool
- spotlight on Mme. Giry:
- “So now the ghost is married!” – I was wrong, this book just got more ludicrous
- …at least Ghostbro tips Mme. Giry?
- that’s the one thing I’ve read about him that isn’t entirely abhorrent
- ohhhhhh boy, Mme. Giry just got fiiiiiiiiired
- Now Richard and Moncharmin are going to investigate these Box Five shenanigans themselves. This is going to go well.
“Chapter V: The Enchanted Violin”
isn’t that a fairy tale? I feel like that’s the name of a fairy tale
- Poor Christine’s having some stage fright issues, looks like.
- “She acted throughout as though she were no longer the mistress of her own destiny” – yeah bc this ghost has you by the throat
- from a letter Christine wrote: “I have not forgotten the little boy who went into the sea to rescue my scarf.”
- don’t entertain Raoul, Christine, he’s no better than Ghostbro
- side note, though, something we’ve discussed in class is the sort of multimedia nature of this book
- Leroux presents it as a collection of clips, like letters and newspaper articles and stuff, and that’s noteworthy in and of itself
- now here’s a book that would make for a super interesting transmedia adaptation
- Christine just asked Raoul to meet her at her father’s grave, and I’m shaking my head so hard right now
- I mean, I was expecting it, but that doesn’t make me any less disappointed
- oh god, and Raoul keeps having “feverish dreams that began and ended with Christine Daae” – someone please make it stop
- Blah blah blah, Leroux’s going off on a tangent and telling us Christine’s entire backstory, whatever
- Apparently Christine and her dad were quite the folk duo back in the day.
- Oh and wouldn’t you know it, little Raoul first heard little Christine singing and immediately had a big awkward crush on her.
- no really, how did Raoul manage to get Christine’s scarf from the sea without being sucked away by the undertow? plot devices, that’s how
- Story time with Daddy Daae!… oh, we’re not going to get a full story? I see how it is.
- oh no, now Daddy Daae’s talking about the Angel of Music. that’s it, everything’s doomed
- “You will hear him one day, my child! When I am in Heaven, I will send him to you!”
- fast forward three years, and Raoul and Christine are crushin’ hard
- Daddy Daae dies, of course, and now Christine can’t sing. Wunderbar.
- the fact that Christine seems to be enabled/controlled by men all the friggin’ time is also definitely something we’ve discussed in class
- oh good god… Christine and Raoul have officially reunited, and good god.
- Raoul: how did you know I’d be here in particular
Christine: my dad told me
Christine: my dead dad
Raoul: that’s totally not weird at all
- Raoul: hey Christine by the way I’m madly in love with you
Christine: you jerk omg I just told you my dad is dead
- Christine: lololololololol
Raoul: no for real Christine ilu
- Christine: seriously quit with the lovey stuff
Raoul: why did you invite me here then
Christine: dude chill I just wanted to catch up
- wowowowow, Raoul uses Massive Jerkface and it’s super effective
- “But he had gone too far and saw no other way out of the ridiculous position than to behave odiously.” – oh, you little…
- “if any one was in my way, that evening, it was yourself, since I told you to leave the room!” – yeahhhh Christine you tell him
- Raoul: I heard literally everything
Christine: oh god
- Christine: so wait you were listening through the door
Christine: why tho
Raoul: because I love you
- Christine right now:
- Christine just vanished in a puff of smoke (not really, but you know), and now Raoul aka Broni Friendzoni is wallowing in self-pity.
- Raoul walks past the graveyard where Daddy Daae is buried, and oh look – a crapton of red roses are strewn about the place.
- Because that’s not completely weird or anything.
- okay, this church Raoul ended up at definitely wins the award for creepiest church ever
- “Skeletons and skulls by the hundred were heaped against the wall of the church” – nOPE
- “Dead men’s bones, arranged in rows, like bricks, to form the first course upon which the walls of the sacristy had been built”- double NOPE
- Raoul is “painfully impressed by all those eternal smiles on the mouths of skulls” – the first part in this book that legit gave me chills
- blah blah blah, Raoul’s wallowing some more, when a wild Christine appears!
- Oh god, Christine’s telling Raoul that her ghost friend is the Angel of Music. This is going to turn out so well.
- Christine: yeah I’ve been taking singing lessons from an angel
Raoul: nice one
Raoul: …oh wait you’re not kidding
- Raoul: but for real, Chris, someone’s gotta be pulling your leg
Christine: first of all how dare you
Raoul: oh crap
- …so I think Raoul just sneaked off in the middle of the night and fell asleep in that creeptastic church? I think?
- questionable life decisions ft. Raoul
- “A few weeks later, when the tragedy at the Opera compelled the intervention of the public prosecutor” – hooboy
- “I realized that I had no excuse for following her and that this way of spying on her was unworthy of me.”- at least Raoul’s self-aware?…
- Prosecutor: “Are you at all superstitious?” Raoul: “No, monsieur, I am a practising Catholic.”
- I don’t know if that was supposed to be funny, but I definitely snorted
- Raoul is remarkably calm for someone who’s creepin’ in a churchyard.
- “I myself raised my head and everything within me seemed drawn toward the invisible, WHICH WAS PLAYING THE MOST PERFECT MUSIC!” – Raoul
- I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but if music started playing out of nowhere in a graveyard at midnight, I’d be running the opposite way
- “The air was The Resurrection of Lazarus” – oh, of COURSE it was
- like seriously, how is Raoul not beyond creeped out at this point
- “When the music stopped, I seemed to hear a noise from the skulls in the heap of bones; it was as though they were chuckling” – nope nope
- “…and I could not help shuddering” – FINALLY A SENSIBLE REACTION
- “Did it not occur to you that the musician might be hiding behind that very heap of bones?” – the prosecutor. Now this guy, I like.
- “First a skull rolled to my feet…then another…then another…It was as if I were the mark of that ghastly game of bowls.” – augh
- and this, folks, is why you probably shouldn’t build a church out of/decorate a church with piles of bones in the first place
- like seriously, what miserable twisted wretch of an architect thought that would be a good idea
- Ghostbro: bye
Raoul: hey wait up *catches his cloak*
Ghostbro: *turns around*
Raoul: k never mind
- “I felt as if I were face to face with Satan” – well, you’re not wrong
“Chapter VI: A Visit to Box Five”
- So Richard and Moncharmin are going to visit Box Five with the aim of proving that literally every single one of their employees is wrong
- “…the storm phantom, who, as everybody knows, is called Adamastor.” – what… why is this relevant…
- the ceiling in the theater is carved full of mythology references, and once again I’m wishing I knew more about mythology
- aaaaand of course, Richard and Moncharmin saw the ghost, or some sort of shape in the box
- “Richard said nothing, nor I either. But we spontaneously seized each other’s hand.” – bam I ship it
- and wouldn’t you know it, they saw two different things – Moncharmin saw the death head, and Richard saw Mme. Giry
- “lolololol let’s go up there and check it out” – Richard and Moncharmin, basically
- Richard and Moncharmin are like “fine, we’ll occupy the box ourselves,” because of course that’s going to work out for them
“Chapter VII: Faust and What Followed”
- Oh hey, a letter from the ghost! Let’s see what he has to say for himself, shall we?
- “MY DEAR MANAGERS: So it is to be war between us?” – why, you petulant little…
- “If you still care for peace, here is my ultimatum.” – literally you are such an a-hole
- So Ghostbro wants 4 things: his box, Christine singing Carlotta’s part in Faust, Mme. Giry’s reemployment, and agreement to his demands.
- and re: the second thing, this is literally what he said: “Never mind about Carlotta; she will be ill.”
- as if he’s going to make absolutely certain that Carlotta is ill. what a friggin’ TOOL
- “If you refuse, you will give FAUST to-night in a house with a curse upon it.”
- oh my god I hate this guy so much
- hey look, I found Ghostbro’s theme song:
- “‘Look here, I’m getting sick of him, sick of him!’ shouted Richard” – me too, pal, me too
- …the opera house has a stable?!
- “Is there a stable at the Opera? Upon my word, I didn’t know.” – uh yeah neither did we
- why on earth does the opera house have a… you know what, never mind, I’m just going to roll with it
- “Twelve horses! And what for, in Heaven’s name?” – I don’t know if this is Richard or Moncharmin speaking, but either way,
- And what does our groom Lachenel want? “Mr. Manager, I have come to ask you to get rid of the whole stable.” I. What.
- oh wait, Lachenel is just asking Richard to downsize the stablemen, not the horses
- I feel like this whole thing with Richard and Moncharmin is the slapstick subplot
- Richard: literally why do we have that many stablemen
Mercier (another manager): *nepotism*
Richard: hey, hey you, SHUT UP
- What other news does Lachenel bear, you may ask? Why, that the ghost stole one of his horses.
- “That will do, M. Lachenel. You can go…. We will lodge a complaint against THE GHOST.”
- tbh I just want a Parks and Rec-style sitcom about Richard and Moncharmin vs. the ghost
- Richard is literally foaming at the mouth. I bet Ghostbro is like:
- A wild Mme. Giry appears! And oh boy, she looks freaked.
- And guess what Richard does? He literally turns her around and pushes her out of the office. With his foot.
- Ghostbro just straight-up threatened Carlotta.
- Carlotta apparently “went about saying that she had a secret enemy who had sworn to ruin her” – and I mean, she’s not wrong
- “The truth is that, if there was a cabal, it was led by Carlotta herself against poor Christine, who had no suspicion of it” – I… what
- like did you miss the part just now where Ghostbro literally threatened Carlotta with a fate worse than death or
- well, okay, Carlotta *is* kind of a huge diva, but STILL. DEATH THREAT.
- [insert 24-hour break here]
- So I’m actually using my physical book today (because apparently I bought that when I bought my books), and the chapter titles are different
- This chapter, the one we left off on, is titled “In which Firmin Richard and Armand Moncharmin have the audacity to allow Faust to be…
- “…performed in a ‘cursed’ theatre and the terrible events that ensued.” OH my god, we’ve got more Fall Out Boy song titles.
- “Carlotta possessed neither heart nor soul. She was merely an instrument” – and Christine isn’t?
- Because (and we discussed this in class, too) it really seems like Christine’s talent is wholly dependent on the influence of men.
- now I guess the question is whether Leroux is doing this on purpose or if he’s just completely non-self-aware
- “Oh, where was your soul, Carlotta, when you danced in the brothels of Barcelona?” – okay I see where this is going
- gotta love virgin/whore dichotomies, amirite
- …you know, in class I kept getting confused when people said they had “different editions” of this, but now it makes all the sense
- now Leroux is saying Carlotta’s voice “demean[s] itself by performing in the salon of one of your lovers” and I want to slap this twit
- Leroux, you condescending snotrag
- ohhhhhhh boy, Richard’s sitting in the ghost’s chair.
- the stage manager just burst into the box to tell Richard and Moncharmin that Christine’s friends are plotting against Carlotta
- and this is Moncharmin’s response: “Daae has friends, then?”
- Richard and Moncharmin left the box for like two minutes, and now there’s a box of candy in there. They’re freaked out.
- Meanwhile, Christine’s singing on stage and sees Raoul- and her voice is “dulled and muffled as the result of some unknown… agency”
- and you seriously want to tell me she’s not an instrument just like Carlotta, Leroux
- Oh boy, now Philippe’s getting in on Broni Friendzoni’s act.
- “She had had the audacity to reply that she could see neither [Raoul] nor his brother.” – oh my god, Philippe, go away
- “He resented Christine for making Raoul suffer” – GO SUCK AN EGG, YOU WORTHLESS MUSTACHIOED PIECE OF FILTHY SIDEWALK GUM
- “‘The conniving little minx!’ growled [Philippe] to himself” – literally stop
- “Raoul hid his boyish tears behind the curtain of his hands” – oh, CRY ME A RIVER, you utter rubbish heap
- okay, all things considered, Christine let Raoul down in like the nicest way possible and he’s still being a little whiny baby about it
- So Carlotta’s actually knocking it out of the park right now. You go, girl.
- Oh boy, Carlotta’s about to crash and burn.
- “For her very mouth had just produced… a toad!”w h a t
- “And what an awful, hideous, scummy, slimy, venomous, hoarse toad it was!”
- “How did it find its way there?” GOOD FREAKIN QUESTION
- I’m literally about to gag right now, eugh
- “The toad in question was, of course, a metaphorical one” – WELL, YOU COULD HAVE JUST *SAID* THAT
- I feel like this is basically the opera house right now:
- Meanwhile, Richard and Moncharmin are absolutely certain that someone else is now in the box with them.
- I bet Ghostbro is all like:
- Carlotta’s rallying. Come on, girlfriend, you can do this.
- …I take that back, apparently she can’t.
- Oop, it’s the famous falling chandelier. And who does it kill, you ask? The gal they’d hired as Mme. Giry’s replacement.
- a message for Ghostbro:
“Chapter IX: The Mysterious Brougham”
brb, looking up what the heck that is/how the heck to pronounce that
- thanks, Google:
- So Carlotta’s sick, Christine’s god knows where, Raoul’s anxious about her, and Richard and Moncharmin are in oodles of legal trouble.
- To be fair, I don’t think many insurance policies back in that day would have covered giant chandeliers falling on people.
- “For [Raoul’s] judgment was remarkably sound” – pffffbffbpppbfffffft
- Yeah, Leroux, I still wouldn’t trust Broni Friendzoni further than I could throw him
- In his quest to bother Christine no matter the circumstances, Broni goes to visit her old caretaker, Mme. Valerius.
- Raoul: where is Christine
Mme. V: lol she’s with her Angel of Music ofc
Raoul: no seriously where is she
Mme. V: I am serious
- okay this is getting more befuddling by the second
- “What happened was not your fault. You didn’t know. You are so young, and you thought that Christine was free.” – Mme. V. Wait, what?
- Raoul: hold up
Raoul: she’s engaged?
Mme. V: oh god no, never
- “The Spirit of Music forbids her to marry?” – for once, it looks like Raoul and I are in agreement, because WHAT THE LITERAL HECK
- I just. I don’t even know where to start with that one
- though I’ll probably have a lot more to say about it once I actually meet this sorry excuse for a creature
- “‘Is Christine still pure?’ he could not help but ask” – okay you just got intel that she is LITERALLY HANGING OUT WITH A GHOST, dude
- but of course that’s what you’re primarily worried about, of *course*
- oh my god, and here I was thinking Raoul couldn’t possibly be any more of a tool
- take a gander: “He was so angry with himself that he wanted to smash his head against the wall!”
- “To think that he had believed in her innocence, in her purity!” – holy crap, you could literally not sound more friendzoned if you tried
- “As for Christine, what a brazen, devilishly cunning creature!” –
- no, Philippe, don’t enable him
- oh god, no – Philippe just told Raoul Christine had been seen with another man. BAD IDEA
- Now Raoul’s getting ready for a “‘giddy round of pleasures,’ as the phrase goes, so as to forget his distress” – absolutely charming
- I have been reading and rereading this one passage and laughing at it for like five minutes – pic forthcoming
- alright, folks, this is the passage:
- so I just keep imagining Raoul standing in a little corner somewhere stamping his feet incessantly for half an hour, and god I’m laughing
- anyway, so Raoul’s doing his little petulant foot-stamp thing when he sees – who else – Christine
- “Dear God, how he loved her!” – no.
- “He would confront the Angel of Music at any cost!” – bad idea, Don Juan
- Raoul keeps shouting Christine’s name – is it weird that all I can think of is this?
- “His heart was cold, frozen solid; he had loved an angel and now he despised a woman!” – there’s so much wrong with this… where to start?
- firstly, this highly appropriate reaction image:
- secondly, what we have here is another textbook case of what happens when you freaking pedestalize someone
- thirdly, never has Raoul been more deserving of the Broni Friendzoni title
- “How that sweet little maiden… has trifled with your affections, Raoul!” – OH, DON’T YOU START TOO, LEROUX
- sadly, I wish I could say Critical Whale is right in this case:
- but, unfortunately, I’ve seen some future scenes
- next morning, Broni Friendzoni is still wallowing when he gets a letter from Christine – she wants to meet ~in secret~
- god dang it, Christine, why are you humoring him
- and also, if you’re in a situation like this and you have cause to write “my life depends on it,” that should be the biggest red flag ever
- me at this entire book, basically:
Next time: Chapters 10-18ish. Till then…