Lady Audley’s Subtweets: The Masterpost

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(Thanks to Scott Grauer for inspiring the title!)

I’ve decided to make this livetweeting-literature thing into an actual, regular thing.  Here, then, are all the tweets from my read-through of Lady Audley’s Secret, by Mary Elizabeth Braddon.

  • I’m only on chapter 3 in Lady Audley’s Secret, and cousinlove is already happening.  Mildly squicked.
  • It might not be so terrible if Phoebe and Luke didn’t have the same last name.
  • Also, I’m definitely picturing Mia Wasikowska a la Jane Eyre as Phoebe.
  • The cousincest wouldn’t be as bad, either, if Braddon didn’t keep referring to Luke as “cousin.” That’s just rubbing it in.
  • I’m just going to go ahead and guess that George from the boat is Lucy’s ex.
  • Related: George is an unreliable twit. Lucy (or whoever) is better off without him.
  • Oh god, please tell me this book isn’t hinting at Robert/Alicia now… Uncle/niece would be even worse than cousin/cousin
  • “the late Miss Lucy Graham” WAIT WHaAT
  • I’m just assuming that “late” refers to the fact that Graham is no longer Lucy’s surname, nor is she a Miss…
  • Ugh. Go away, George. I don’t like you.
  • Oh god. Helen Talboys’ obituary. Yikes.
  • I’m still sticking to my Lucy hypothesis. Maybe she had to fake her death for some reason.
  • “‘I did not desert her,’ George cried out” – OH YES YOU DID YOU DISCARDED BAND-AID
  • Five chapters in and I still have zero sympathy for George Talboys
  • The only characters I actually care about at this point are Lucy and Alicia
  • I’m ambivalent towards Michael, and Phoebe and Luke skeeve me out too much for me to like them
  • I might like Robert if he actually calls George out on being a jerk. That’s unlikely to happen, though.
  • Oh yeah, and I lost even more respect for Phoebe once she stole the piece of paper.
  • Like, any normal person would find a secret drawer in someone else’s jewelry box and think, “oh, cool, maybe I should just look”
  • And meanwhile Phoebz is over here like LOL NOPE
  • “LOLOL STEALING IS SO MUCH FUN. RIGHT, COUSIN-BABE?” – Phoebe, probably
  • Definitely picturing Donald Sutherland as Captain Maldon
  • George is wondering how Maldon paid for Helen’s medical treatment. To hawk my Lucy theory, what if Michael paid for it?
  • Ahhhhh, and George didn’t properly introduce Robert. The Lucy hypothesis has to be right.
  • Whoa. Robert’s been put in charge of George Jr.? That was abrupt.
  • Braddon keeps describing George as a “big ex-dragoon.” All I can think of is that CAH card- “a sad fat dragon with no friends.”
  • Oooooooohhhhhh. Lucy’s “too ill to entertain visitors.” Methinks she just doesn’t want to see her jerk of an ex.
  • “terrible chain of evidence”/”the one and only criminal case in which [Robert] was ever to be concerned” – YIKES
  • I have to say, though, I’ve really come to appreciate more subtle foreshadowing.
  • “HEY LOOK A REALLY REALLY BAD THING IS GONNA HAPPEN” – hopefully not every single one of the books I read this semester, by like chapter 3
  • I honestly don’t blame Alicia for being ticked off. The trope of dad-marrying-a-woman-not-much-older-than-his-daughter is a skeevy one.
  • Actually, I’m kind of starting to get irritated with all this textual fawning over Lucy. She’d better get a lot more interesting, stat.
  • Like yeah, okay, she’s gorgeous, I UNDERSTOOD THAT THE FIRST FOUR TIMES YOU SAID IT
  • “…he would only lift his eyebrows to the middle of his forehead…” Why can’t this entire book be told from Alicia’s POV?
  • “I am falling in love with my aunt” – OH PLEASE GOD NO
  • Oh, thank heavens. Braddon just completely dismissed the possibility of Robert/Alicia. (If she goes back on her word, though…)
  • From now on, plot devices will be referred to as “secret passages”
  • Robert and George are in Lucy’s suites now, looking at her paintings. They’re saving the one of her for last. *taps foot*
  • Dear Ms. Braddon, you don’t have to continually remind me of your characters’ last names. Trust me, I remember.
  • …………………………….so has my Lucy hypothesis just been shut down?
  • Wow, George’s got one heck of a bee in his trousers.
  • Ooh, the dog doesn’t like Lucy… let’s just say I’m having my suspicions now.
  • George is missing. Calling it now – his is the dead body that’s supposed to turn up sooner or later.
  • Alicia just referred to Robert and George as Pythias and Damon. To Wikipedia with me!
  • Me opening the Wikipedia article: *gay gay gay.gif*
    Wikipedia: “trust and loyalty in a true friendship”
    Me: drat
  • “Much gay interest has been ascribed to the ancient couple.” *waggles eyebrows*
  • Lucy: “This is very strange. I did not think men were capable of these deep and lasting affections.” WHOA THERE, GET SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN
  • Z-snapping it out over here
  • “Robert… noticed a bruise upon her delicate skin.” #theplotthickens
  • “…not one bruise, but four slender, purple marks, such as might have been made by the four fingers of a powerful hand…”
  • George. George. George. Calling it now.
  • (I’m still stubbornly hanging on to the Lucy hypothesis, in case it wasn’t obvious)
  • The last chapter’s title was “Missing.” This chapter is called “Still Missing.” How thoroughly imaginative.
  • “‘I mean the pretty lady; the lady that was dressed so fine…'” Little Georgey has to mean Lucy. I’m sure of it.
  • Wait, why is Robert so upset about the telegraph? Didn’t Morden [Maldon] just tell him the exact same thing?
  • I’ve reread that bit four times, trying to figure that out. Oh well.
  • After declaring to himself that he “cares for” George at least five times, Robert “threw himself dressed upon his friend’s bed.”
  • (I mean, that kinda screams GAY to me, but…)
  • Update: Robert literally falls asleep on George’s bed. Oh my god.
  • I officially love the phrase “intellectual tarantella”
  • There’s no way Phoebe’s vague resemblance to Lucy won’t come up later as a plot point.
  • Now Lucy’s talking about “the story of a beautiful woman who committed some crime.” Because that totally won’t arouse suspicion or anything.
  • “Remember that story? Wasn’t that a weird story? What’d you think about it? Asking for a friend.” – Lucy, basically
  • This just in: Phoebe will discard job security in favor of marrying her first cousin. ALRIGHTY THEN.
  • PHOEBE JUST ADMITTED THAT LUKE’S A VIOLENT JERK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
  • “I don’t think I can love him.” – actual words from Phoebe’s mouth.
  • My sympathy for her just shot through the ceiling, into the apartment upstairs, and through the roof.
  • “Do you think, then, if murder is in him, you would be any safer as his wife?” IN WHICH LUCY SPEAKS THE GOSPEL TRUTH
  • Seriously, Lucy is speaking so much truth right now. I hoped in a previous tweet that she would get more interesting, and she has.
  • WHOA MY GOD. Ish just got SO REAL.
  • Luke knows whatever the bejeezers it is that Lucy did, and he’s basically blackmailing her. WHOA.
  • And he forced Phoebe to tell him, too. I don’t want to know how he managed that.
  • I need to take a moment or several to process this, I think.
  • NO. PHOEBE AND LUKE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED. NO NO NO.
  • God, I hope someone pulls a Sissy Jupe and GETS PHOEBE OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE
  • #phoebemarksdefenseleague
  • So it’s been what, three months since anybody heard anything from George? And Robert didn’t even bother to get the police involved?
  • I guess Robert’s lethargy overpowered his vaguely gay emotions.
  • (Related: I’m so glad I had cause to type that sentence. Something about it brings me great joy.)
  • (it was probably the gay bit, who am I kidding)
  • There’s supposed to be a dead body somewhere in this book, right? It can show up any time now, just saying.
  • Oop, Alicia just turned down something like a proposal.
  • Quit it, Robert, you’re not Sherlock Holmes.
  • “‘Such a nice girl, too, if she didn’t bounce!'” *glares at the page* shut up, Robert.
  • Sir Harry Towers is acting so friendzoned right now. Get over yourself, dude.
  • “‘[Girls are] very pretty, and they’re very friendly to a fellow, but I don’t care about ’em.” – Sir Harry Towers, for real, just now
  • Holy bananas. Harry is, in all actuality, a friendzoned jerk.
  • Oh god. Michael’s actually, seriously considering Robert/Alicia. Please god no.
  • Michael’s kicking Robert out of Audley Court. Whoa.
  • And now Robert’s staying at Phoebe and Luke’s house-inn-thing. Frying pan to fire much?
  • Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh, Robert knows what’s up.
  • “‘What, indeed, is a hundred pounds to a man possessed of the power which you hold… over the person in question?'” #zsnap
  • This chapter title: “Robert Receives a Visitor Whom He Had Scarcely Expected.” Today in clumsy foreshadowing…
  • So Lucy’s telling Robert that it was Michael’s idea to kick him out… when really it was hers in the first place… hmmm…
  • Oooh, and Robert just told Lucy that he knows what’s up. It’s getting intense, y’all.
  • It’s been… how long since George disappeared? Four to six months, at least? And nobody’s made an effort to look for him?
  • Lucy’s off to London instead of Audley Court once more. The plot thickens.
  • So… a blacksmith stole something from Robert’s room? I think that’s what’s been happening here…
  • Chapter 19 summed up: Robert finds out nothing new, and he’s still super-sad about George.
  • Robert’s actually being, you know, a lawyer now.

    Gif of Andrew Garfield in The Social Network saying,

    You tell ’em.

  • Maybe I missed something, but how does Robert just so happen to have the key to George’s trunk?…
  • Oh, come ON, Robert. Look in the books. Stuff’s always hidden in books.
  • And now Robert’s having some sort of spiritual awakening. Ooooookaaaaaay.
  • There was a lock of blonde hair in one of the books. And not just regular blonde, either. Super-blonde. Golden.
  • You’d think, with Robert being as infatuated with Lucy as he is, that this particular shade of gold would look more familiar.
  • Ooh, and there’s a mysterious inscription in this same book that actually made Robert feel things.
  • George’s dad is a jerk, as it turns out. Lovely. (With a name like Harcourt Talboys, though, that’s hardly surprising.)
  • “‘Who would have thought that I could have grown so fond of the fellow,’ he muttered, ‘or feel so lonely without him?'” – Robert, just now
  • *waggles eyebrows*
  • “…I know of a certain dear little girl, who, as I think, would do her best to make me happy” – OH DEAR GOD NO SHUT UP ROBERT
  • Forever skeeved out by love interests being referred to as “little girls” in any way, shape, or form
  • Oh, so NOW the kid’s willing to talk all our ears off. Cool. If only he could’ve done that, oh, ten chapters earlier.
  • Whoa, Maldon, calm down. Yikes.
  • “‘You have no right to come here and terrify a man who has been drinking'” – Maldon. And whose fault is it that you’re dead drunk?
  • Lol forever at Robert being probably the second-least qualified babysitter in all of England
  • So wait, Harcourt Talboys has a combover?
  • Whoa. Harcourt can hold a grudge like no other.
  • So basically Harcourt’s a documented jerk, and Robert’s going to see him anyway. We’ll see how this turns out.
  • My god, Harcourt really is a jerk of the highest order.
  • Ooh, and Robert’s playing him like a piano. I didn’t think I’d have occasion to say this, but go Robert.
  • A wild Clara Talboys appears!
  • Goodness, did she run all this way to catch up with Robert’s carriage? I like her already.
  • Oops, I think Clara Talboys just became my new favorite.
  • (I may or may not have a soft spot for emotionally repressed women…)
  • Man, why couldn’t this whole story have been told from Clara’s point of view?
  • Even considering Robert’s vaguely gay attachment to George, he’s far less interesting than Clara is.
  • Robert’s feeling a lot of things right now. It’s a bit jarring, to be honest.
  • *singsongy voice* Robert and Clara sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
  • Now Robert’s rhapsodizing about how fantastic women are.
    Gif of Sarah Manning in Orphan Black saying
  • OKAY NEVER MIND WOW
  • Robert went from this: “They want freedom of opinion, variety of occupation, do they? Let them have it.”…
  • …to this: “‘I hate women,’ he thought savagely.” In the space of about a paragraph, to boot.
  • Screw you, Robert Audley.

    Gif of the character Billy in School of Rock saying

    And you probably smell weird.

  • Robert just referred to George’s “good, honest, manly heart.” LOLOLOL SHUT UP
  • Uuuuuuuugh. I’m on chapter 7 of volume 2, and the dead body we’ve been promised STILL hasn’t turned up. *taps foot* any century now…
  • Alicia just wrote and told Robert to come back, because Michael’s sick. “Come at once, but say nothing about this letter,” she said.
  • For heaven’s sake, how much longer can Braddon drag this charade on?
  • Audley Court seems more alive than ever, and it’s creepy as heck.
  • Robert, why do you love Audley Court? It’s weird and creepy and haphazardly remodeled at best.
  • (not the first time Robert’s had poor taste, though)
  • Robert just went to Michael’s bedroom, and tl;dr Lucy’s still hot.
  • “‘Mr. Audley!!’ [Lucy] cried.” Ooh, two exclamation points. Spooky.
  • Oh man, Robert’s getting snarky as heck to Lucy.
  • “‘Your happiness, your prosperity, your safety depend alike on his existence.'” – Robert to Lucy
  • Basically this whole scene:
  • “‘I know that,’ [Lucy] said. ‘Those who strike me must strike through him.'” Hey, Robert, need some ice for that BURN?
  • And look, Robert’s still trying to exonerate Lucy. Come on, get over yourself. She’s clearly George’s ex-wife. CLEARLY.
  • So basically Robert has a teatime kink?… yeesh.
  • Alicia has zero patience for any of this, and it’s so refreshing.
  • How fortunate that the dressmaker just so happened to be there when Robert was asking the baker about Mrs. Vincent.
  • The place where Mrs. Vincent lives “has rather a dismal aspect,” like every single other location in this godforsaken book.
  • Mrs. Vincent’s house sounds like the interior of a shoddy antiques store.
  • oh my god there’s a character named Tonks this is not a drill
  • please tell me you named Tonks after the character of that same name in Lady Audley’s Secret
  • All this snippiness between Mrs. Vincent and Tonks is unreal. Wow.
  • Blah blah blah, Robert’s mind goes on another misogynist tangent, I DON’T CARE.
  • Clever move, Robert, getting the top label off Lucy’s suitcase.
  • What do you want to bet that the address he found is George’s old address?
  • Robert is complaining about how he can find nothing else regarding Lucy’s past. Isn’t the address enough? Couldn’t he just confront her?
  • Seriously, if he could just get permission to dig up Helen Talboys’s grave… although Lucy may have designed to put another’s corpse there.
  • So never mind about that, I guess.
  • UGH ROBERT YOU CAN QUIT WITH THE MISOGYNIST RANTS ANY TIME NOW
  • “‘If my poor friend, George Talboys, had died in my arms'” – good heavens, Robert, could you sound any gayer?
  • Robert mutters to himself by way of internalization. Really.
  • A wild Clara appears again!
  • So Robert wants to solve this mystery in part for Clara, but… he doesn’t want Clara to know what he’s doing to solve the mystery?
  • “‘I am a lazy, good-for-nothing fellow, Miss Talboys'” – Robert, in a remarkable moment of self-awareness
  • Yay, a switch to Clara’s POV! About time.
  • Oh, Alicia, you have no idea…
  • So Robert’s basically laying out the facts as he knows them, but he’s giving George way too much credit.
  • Wait, it’s been two months since Robert visited and Michael was sick? Good god, this book drags more than I thought it did.
  • Ugh, now the narrator’s getting in on this misogynist commentary. S T O P
  • “‘You shall never live to do this,’ she said. ‘I will kill you first.'” – Lucy’s hardcore, y’all.
  • And now Lucy’s pulling a Hannibal and trying to convince everyone that Robert is crazy. My god.
  • Now Braddon is rhapsodizing about how pure Michael’s love for Lucy is. I hope to everything that she’s being satirical.
  • Okay, we get it, Michael’s fatal flaw is that he can’t be bothered to look closer at anything, NOW MOVE ON.
  • Phoebe came to Lucy on Luke’s orders, looking for more money to pay for the inn. In other news, Luke is still awful.
  • Also, Phoebe just made the mistake of mentioning that the inn has nearly burned down three times, so now Lucy’s considering arson.
  • Robert sent another threatening letter to Lucy, and man, is Lucy ever out for blood now.
  • Why couldn’t things have gotten this intense ten chapters ago?
  • Michael smiles in his sleep. What a nerd.
  • Lucy’s making herself feel better by thinking about how hot she is. I’m not making this up, folks.
  • Lucy’s supposedly having an epiphany that she wants to kill Robert. But didn’t she say something to that effect a couple chapters ago?
  • “She… stopped as Lot’s wife may have stopped, after that fatal backward glance” – okay, this is actually a really interesting bit
  • Comparing Lucy to Lot’s wife, on the one hand, downplays the severity of what she’s done/what she wants to do.
  • Lot was the one who almost offered his daughters up to a horde of rapists that was knocking at his door. Much more unforgivable imo.
  • But the only crime Lot’s wife ever committed came from a moment of disobedience. She looked back. That was it.
  • I mean, clearly there’s probably a whole essay in comparative morality here
  • But by abandoning her child (like Lot almost did), Lucy one-ups Lot’s wife in a sense, and things will just get worse if Lucy kills Robert.
  • With that said, though, the comparison to Lot’s wife is interesting in the sense of names
  • Unless there’s something I’m not remembering, or some tradition to which I haven’t been exposed, Lot’s wife never has a name.
  • Similarly, on only a few occasions is Lucy actually referred to as “Lucy.” Mostly she’s just “Lady Audley.” Defined by her husband.
  • In this scene, for example, Braddon refers to her exclusively as Lady Audley.
  • Braddon doesn’t just let this Lot’s-wife analogy go, either.
  • She refers to “the terrible process that was to transform [Lucy] from a woman into a statue.”
  • What with the timing of that phrase, it makes me think that wanting to kill Robert is the sin for which Lucy will ultimately suffer.
  • (whether or not she actually goes through with it)
  • Which, again, is much worse than simply looking back at a burning city, if you ask me.
  • This bit where Lucy can’t seem to move her lips is a little surreal.
  • As if she’s embodying “speak no evil” or something.
  • The phrase “walking costume” just seems rather absurd, though I am curious as to what specifically such a costume would look like.
  • [some number of days passes]
  • Alright, folks, who’s up for a return to Lady Audley?!
  • (she says after taking a ridiculously long break from it, whoops)
  • When we left off, Lucy was about to go on a midnight stroll. As you do.
  • “[Phoebe] began to fear that my lady was going mad.” FINALLY you catch on, Phoebs
  • Lucy’s new maidservant “looked very sleepy, and had some difficulty repressing a yawn even in her mistress’s presence” – #gpoy
  • At least Braddon seems to have some sympathy for Lucy. And in fairness, she’s been in a pretty terrible situation.
  • Sneaking out through the library window. Dang, Lucy.
  • Or never mind, looks like this room just leads to another room. #buzzkill
  • Interesting, though, that Alicia’s influence is so clear in this room. Kind of mirrors Alicia’s earlier invasion of Lucy’s space.
  • In class, we discussed the passage in which Robert and George go into Lucy’s quarters and the portrait gallery.
  • What was interesting to me was that Alicia’s directions to them as to how to enter the bedchamber were super-duper precise.
  • So the question that occurred to me is… how often has she done this very thing? Has she done it since Lucy married her dad?
  • There’s a whole paragraph about Lucy being tempted to flee and deciding against it. Holy character development, Batman.
  • “‘If the struggle between us is to be a duel to the death, you shall not find me drop my weapon.'” – remind me never to make Lucy mad
  • Lucy just referred to Luke as Phoebe’s “beautiful husband.” The sarcasm, it burns.
  • Ohhhhhh, I bet Lucy’s about to set some stuff on fire.
  • Yeah, we already knew Luke was a jerk. No need to elaborate, seriously.
  • Oh god, Luke’s drunk and basically threatening Phoebe. I’m legitimately scared all of a sudden.
  • This is freakier than any old Gothic house.
  • Lucy uses “ENTRANCING HAIR.” It’s super effective!
  • Excuse me while I snicker at the comparison of Lady Audley’s eyes to those of an “angry mermaid.”
  • Oh god, Lucy’s DEFINITELY about to set things on fire.
  • At this point, I’m pretty sure George Talboys’s body will just plain never be found. Resigning myself to disappointment.
  • Phoebe’s room at the inn is cheaply decorated yet somehow gaudy.
  • This scene is hammering home for me that Lucy and Phoebe are supposed to be parallel characters, two sides of the same coin.
  • LOL at Phoebe realizing what’s up the minute she sees the fire.
  • “I’m sure that fire is someplace that totally isn’t your pad” – Lucy, basically
  • Phoebe’s freaking out now, and rightfully so.
  • NO, PHOEBE, DARN IT. You totally had it for a second there.
  • Protip: never accuse your former boss and current loan-payer of arson when you two are alone, outside, in the middle of the night.
  • Lucy’s walking away from this huge fire like
  • Great excuse for looking like crap, Lucy. Because everybody’s going to believe you when you say you were reading all night.
  • Braddon seems to know a lot about what it’s like to hear someone dead mentioned as if they’re alive.
  • ALICIA oh my god, you’re slaying me over here
  • “his hat [will be] sleek and shining as if it had been brushed with a pat of fresh butter” – help, I’m laughing
  • Again, this whole thing should’ve been from Alicia’s point of view.
  • “an awkward genie just let out of his bottle” – Alicia re: Robert. SNICKERING FOREVER
  • OH MY GOD MICHAEL STOP SHIPPING YOUR DAUGHTER WITH HER COUSIN PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING SACRED
  • But I love how Braddon *doesn’t* do a Beatrice/Benedick thing with Alicia and Robert (sorry y’all, I’ve been spoiled for the end)
  • Like no, Alicia’s actually just that snarky
  • ugh, not Harry “Friendzoned” Towers again
  • If Harry actually makes a reappearance, I may puke
  • Oh my god, and now Alicia’s called Robert a “peripatetic, patent refrigerator.” I can’t stop laughing.
  • “‘How should such a sluggish ditch-pond of an intellect as [Robert’s] ever work itself into a tempest?'” – Alicia
  • Holy crud, Alicia’s on fire today.
  • NO SERIOUSLY MICHAEL THIS WHOLE DAUGHTER-SHIPPING THING IS GETTING CREEPY AS HECK AND YOU CAN STOP ANYTIME
  • oh god
  • Michael, according to Braddon, forgets that some men can go “unscathed amidst legions of lovely and generous women.”
  • Well, at least Braddon’s calling Michael out in this extended section of omniscient-narrator musings.
  • You know, I definitely figured out that Robert had the hots for Clara Talboys about fifteen chapters ago.
  • Hey Robert, you can stop trying to make us feel sorry for Harry Towers any time now.
  • “Alicia shut herself in her own apartment to read the third volume of a novel.” And this is volume three of the story. Coincidence?
  • Yikes. Pretty sure that was almost a suicide attempt on Lucy’s part.
  • “Amongst all spies, a lady’s-maid has the highest privileges.” DARN STRAIGHT
  • Oh god, Lucy wants to take a walk with Alicia. WHAT’S YOUR PLAY, LUCY
  • “metaphysical dry-rot” is my new favorite phrase, just saying
  • ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • creepy footsteps, y’all
  • get the popcorn, this is going to be good
  • LOLOLOL Robert’s just like
  • Robert knows EXACTLY what’s up and now he’s speaking that truth
  • One good thing did come out of this fire, though – Luke got the burning of his life. Well-deserved, if you ask me.
  • Robert has zero sympathy for Lucy. And by zero, I mean like zero Kelvin.
  • Lucy has officially lost it.
  • “‘You have conquered – a MADWOMAN!'” crikey
  • “madwoman” was in small capitals too, which just makes me think of Terry Pratchett’s Death
  • Robert “makes no attempt to prepare” Michael before spending a whole huge paragraph prefacing his news.
  • Michael’s ready to kill Robert for accusing Lucy. Yeesh.
  • Aaaaand Lucy’s launching into the story of her entire life. Should be interesting, at least.
  • Oh SNAP. Lucy’s mom is/was a “madwoman” as well.
  • Although what exactly such an epithet means in this society is… questionable, at the very least.
  • Lucy describes her mother as a “girlish creature, who seemed as frivolous as a butterfly.” The act she’s put on has been in that same spirit
  • Braddon says so many times that Lucy acts frivolous. It’s fascinating that Lucy feigned her mother’s madness to conceal her own madness
  • Madness is matrilineal in her family. Fascinating.
  • “I do not believe that Sir Michael Audley had ever *really* believed in his wife.” that’s news to me
  • So now Lucy’s saying that her family’s madness is a condition that arises postnatally… there’s a whole essay in this
  • Regarding George: “‘I looked upon this as a desertion…'” As you rightly should, Lucy.
  • “‘I became subject to fits of violence and despair.'” Bipolar disorder, perhaps? I don’t know, I’m no expert.
  • Lucy’s madness would make for a super-interesting essay. Just the research alone would be fascinating.
  • (signs you’re an English major: you think of life in terms of essay topics)
  • Honestly, though, what Lucy calls madness I call having normal human emotions. Which says a lot about female emotion during the time.
  • I agree with Lucy – she had every right to think George dead after three years.
  • Seriously, this book would’ve been massively more interesting had it been from Lucy’s POV/about her escapades.
  • So THAT’S where the dead body in Helen Talboys’s grave came from.
  • Michael’s just like “eff this, I’m out of here”
  • “‘Oh, it’s you, Mr. Robert Audley,’ Alicia remarked, indifferently.” I just imagined her addressing him with a super-snarky tone.
  • Robert just went to the brother-sister zone with Alicia. Thank god. Far preferable to the cousinlove zone.
  • Okay but no that Robert-Alicia bonding moment was actually kind of the opposite of terrible
  • Yeah, Michael, you were kind of an ignoring jerk to Alicia. About time you owned up to it.
  • I can’t be the only one hoping Luke doesn’t recover from his burns…
  • Now Robert’s thinking the burden of Audley Court, which is now his, is his punishment for being a lazy bum. (I quite agree.)
  • Can we have a lot more of the downstairs staff speculating about what happened, Downton-style?
  • Almost forgot- earlier Braddon explained Robert’s fits of woman-hating by citing his hots for Clara.
  • Like no, that’s not actually an excuse. Nice try.
  • Lucy has officially lost it and is snuggled in the world’s most expensive blanket nest, looking forward to being institutionalized.
  • Robert’s making sure Dr. Mosgrave follows HIPAA and all that jazz.
  • Uh, dude, you’re going to need to tell Dr. Mosgrave what’s up if you want him to actually help Lucy. That’s kind of how doctors work.
  • Mosgrave: “What’s the problem?” Robert: “Owwww ow ow ow, it hurts so much!” Mosgrave: “No seriously, what is it?” Robert: “Help meeee”
  • Now he’s checking to make sure Mosgrave is actually the kind of doctor he says he is.
  • Because Robert’s exactly the sort of person who’d be too lazy to worry about that till the appointment itself.
  • Dr. Mosgrave’s getting a little impatient – and rightly so, if you ask me.
  • Oh man, Mosgrave is ON FORM.
  • “‘You would wish to prove that this lady is mad, and therefore irresponsible for her actions, Mr. Audley?'” – OOP THERE IT IS
  • “‘…there is no evidence of madness in anything she has done.'” *steeples fingers* do go on…
  • But seriously though, Dr. Mosgrave is setting the record straight and it’s fantastic
  • See, Robert, that’s what you get for not telling your doctor everything.
  • You sure you don’t want to get some lab tests to support that ten-minute diagnosis, Dr. Mosgrave?
  • For some reason, I get the feeling Dr. Mosgrave’s science here is bull. It’d be interesting to check that out, though.
  • WHOA WAIT – Dr. Mosgrave doesn’t see enough evidence that Lucy killed George, so he’s just going to help Robert cover the whole thing up?
  • What kind of sense does that make?
  • Let me get this straight. Dr. Mosgrave declared Lucy legally insane on the basis of one 10-minute convo with her, and now (1/2)
  • (2/2) he and Robert are just going to lock her up like that. I’m no expert, but I feel like that’s a bass-ackwards way to go about things.
  • What sort of informed consent would have been required? Was informed consent as much of a thing then? (I don’t think it was…)
  • So somehow Lucy has turned herself into a walking china cabinet. Fitting, I’d say.
  • This little town in Belgium, is “dilapidated,” like literally everything else in this book.
  • “ugh this is literally Corpse Bride and I hate it” – Lucy, basically
  • Lucy literally just figured out Robert was taking her to a madhouse. What, did she honestly think they going to Disneyland?
  • Was she genuinely imagining Robert hopping out of the carriage with a “sorry I accused you of murder and madness, let’s go see Minnie”?
  • Hey, Monsieur Val, you probably ought to think twice about including the word “inmates” in your welcome speech.
  • The story switches to present tense right after Val’s advertising spiel. Now that’s curious.
  • Man, Lucy’s mad at Robert. (PUN INTENDED)
  • Okay, honestly, how much longer is this book going to go on?
  • According to Clara Talboys, Luke’s about to die from the injuries he sustained in the fire. I’m actually not fussed at all.
  • So Robert gets a letter telling him to get his butt over to a dying man’s bedside, and what does he do? SIT DOWN AND LIGHT A PIPE, OF COURSE
  • Robert, quit being a boobock and GO.
  • Sick or not sick, Luke’s still being his usual jerkish self. I definitely won’t be sorry to see him go.
  • “‘You was oncommon fond of that gent'” – actual thing that Luke just said about/to Robert re: George
  • If the drunken boor can see the gay, that says a lot imo
  • “I GOT A SECRET” – Luke, for the last three minutes (come on, just spill)
  • wait wait wait wait wait whoa wait what
  • George Talboys is ALIVE, Y’ALL.
  • I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this
  • “yay, I don’t have to settle for his sister now” – Robert, probably
  • Luke, I thought you were about to die. Why are you still talking?
  • Ahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa, the pretentiously named Mr. Harcourt Talboys has literally no idea what to do with himself, and it’s fantastic.
  • Robert’s only talked to Clara twice, and he still wants to get some. I’d think someone as lazy as him would wait till the fourth date…
  • And now Robert’s pissed off at Clara because she can’t magically tell that he wants to get some. Grow up, Robert.
  • And now Robert’s acting like our old pal Sir Harry Towers and being a friendzoned jerk… albeit in the privacy of his own mind. Fantastic.
  • “get your life in order” – Clara, basically. I knew there was a reason I liked her.
  • Robert is actually the worst at admitting his feelings for Clara. #cringing
  • “Shall we go together, my dear love, and bring our brother back between us?” – AN ACTUAL THING THAT ROBERT ACTUALLY JUST SAID
  • A wild George appears!
  • Good heavens, George climbed out of the well – with one broken arm, to boot. Australia must have taught him quite a lot.
  • (also I’m definitely thinking of that scene in The Dark Knight Rises, the one with the treacherous wall)
  • “Two years later, everything is nauseatingly happy.” – this last chapter, basically
  • Oh god, if Alicia and George ended up together…………………….
  • NEVER MIND, SHE’S GOING TO END UP WITH HARRY. I HATE EVERYTHING
  • And on that grumpy note, I’m done with the book, and I still have half an hour to spare before class.
  • Tonight I’ll start livetweeting Carmilla. Lesbian vampires, y’all. Get excited.

Whoo, there you have it!  About 5000 words’ worth of tweets about this book… goodness gracious.  (Too bad this can’t actually count towards my capstone.)

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One thought on “Lady Audley’s Subtweets: The Masterpost

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