The Strange Tweets of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: The Masterpost

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(Yeah, that’s the best I could do for a title.  Sue me.)

The latest installment in this Gothic fiction livetweeting series is Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Here, without further ado, are my tweets on it.

  • I bet Mr. Utterson’s so much fun at raves.
  • So basically Utterson’s a “love the sinner, hate the sin” type. Charming. We’ll see how he deals with Jekyll/Hyde.
  • “Hence, no doubt, the bond that united him to Mr.” page break.
    Me: Jekyll Jekyll Jekyll please
    turn page: “Richard Enfield”
    Me: COME ON
  • Seriously, we can get to Jekyll any time now.
  • Utterson and Enfield right now
    >making my way around London
    >walking fast
    >see a creepy house
    >walking faster
  • This weirdo house is sticking out like Count Olaf’s, or Gru’s.
  • Nah, kids, it’s okay, I’m sure a very nice man lives in that creeptastic ol’ house.
  • I know this would flout all conventions of the genre, but just once, I want a Gothic tale set in, like, Belgravia or Chelsea or something.
  • Actually, a modern-day reinterpretation of a Gothic something set in Soho would work SO WELL.
  • Anyway. Moving on.
  • Aaahhhhh, so it looks like Utterson and Enfield are the framing story. Okay.
  • Ironically, it doesn’t seem to be the otherwise-aptly-named Utterson who’s actually telling the story.
  • Or… maybe not?
  • Okay, Enfield, Hyde really does sounds like a jerk. I’ll give you that much.
  • Stepping on a prone child. I ask you.
  • Enfield refers to this doctor as Sawbones. Is that where Dr. McCoy’s nickname came from?
  • Oh man, so at this stage, Jekyll and Hyde have already separated into two beings. Holy god, this is going to be one heck of a tale.
  • Enfield’s all like “ooh yeah, there was a name on these checks the evil dude signed BUT I WON’T TELL YOU NYAH NA NA NA NA”
  • Oh, so Enfield doesn’t actually know everything that’s up. He just happens to have been privy to some super-damning financial info.
  • Good grief. Enfield’s harping on about how he’s too virtuous to be prying or whatever, and I’m just like COME ON, BRO, GIVE US THE SCOOP
  • “The more it looks like Queer Street, the less I ask.” – excuse me while I laugh my head off at this line
  • Yes, I know “queer” meant a different thing back then, let me have my moment of levity
  • The Richard Enfield school of investigating: don’t ask questions, just stare at people’s houses for hours on end.
  • “‘Enfield,’ said Mr. Utterson, ‘that’s a good rule of yours.'” Regarding the Queer Street rule. I had just stopped laughing…
  • Hyde is, according to Enfield, so ugly he can’t even figure out why the dude’s so ugly.
  • It’s like Hyde just shot right past the critical point on a phase diagram of ugly.
  • Whoa, wait, has Utterson known what’s been up this whole time, or is he just having some sort of improbable Sherlock moment?
  • “The fact is, if I do not ask you the name of the other party, it is because I know it already.” Utterson is QUICK.
  • Enfield: “oh god I’m gonna shut up about this I swear” Utterson: “lol suuuuure”
  • Chapter 2: “Search for Mr. Hyde” oh come ON, RLS, you missed such a great pun opportunity
  • Wait, why the heck are we still focused on Utterson?
  • Oh. Utterson is Jekyll’s executor. That explains so much.
  • Our pal Jekyll has more degrees than a circle, apparently, and I’m over here like “how are you PAYING for that?!”
  • Seriously, if anyone at all can shed some light on what titles “D.C.L.”, “L.L.D.”, and “F.R.S.” might have conferred, feel free.
  • (though FRS could stand for Fellow of the Royal Society? I don’t know)
  • “‘friend and benefactor Edward Hyde'” L O FREAKIN L
  • with that said, though, I really hope we get to see more of the Jekyll/Hyde relationship, like a lot more.
  • Jekyll is literally providing in his will for a disappearance exceeding three months. Has Utterson just not gotten suspicious before now?
  • I don’t know, man, if I were a lawyer I’d get pretty dang suspicious at something like that.
  • Mr. Utterson just seems like the slightly less offensive version of Robert Audley.
  • “‘I thought it was madness… and now I begin to fear it is disgrace.'” ahahahaha oh, Utterson, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
  • “hahaha oh man that Jekyll dude went cuckoo like ten years ago” – Utterson’s friend Dr. Lanyon, basically.
  • I’m seeing a disturbing trend in this book of people not actually caring enough about others to check up on them.
  • Like, I get that Lanyon’s probably busy, but he hasn’t actually spent any quality time with Jekyll in TEN YEARS? What the crap is this?
  • “‘Such unscientific balderdash… would have estranged Damon and Pythias.'” ooh, Lady Audley’s Secret made a ref to D&P too.
  • Back to the Wikipedia article with me!
  • Well. The Wikipedia article actually quoted a chunk from Jekyll and Hyde. Thanks, Wikipedia!
  • Yeah, Lanyon (is that his name? All these old white guys blend together in my head after a while) is definitely super-duper ticked off.
  • Oh hey, his name actually is Lanyon. I’ll probably mess up his name at some other point, though.
  • What is the Gothic deal with lawyers being the point-of-view characters? Is it a thing beyond Lady Audley’s Secret and Jekyll and Hyde?
  • Side note: AFI is somehow the perfect mood music for this?
  • Utterson has a night chock-full of creepy dreams. Yeah, I’m okay with this being from his POV now.
  • Utterson’s suddenly, acutely obsessed with seeing Hyde’s face for himself. I really hope Hyde looks like Jekyll b/c parallelism and stuff.
  • I’ve actually been planning to reread A Wizard of Earthsea. It’ll be so interesting to do that with this story in mind.
  • “‘If he be Mr. Hyde,’ [Utterson] had thought, ‘I shall be Mr. Seek.'” YES THANK YOU OH MY GOD ABOUT TIME YOU MADE THAT PUN
  • Funny how Utterson’s “patience is rewarded” on a night when not much about the scene is creepy at all.
  • “streets as clean as a ballroom floor” – not exactly the sort of simile I’d use to describe an uber-Gothic setting
  • Point is, though, a wild Hyde has appeared!
  • Hyde’s been on the scene for like two seconds, and already he’s jaywalking.
  • “Mr. Hyde shrank back with a hissing intake of the breath.” I’m half expecting him to glow blue like the swords of the Wee Free Men
  • “LAWYERSSSSSSSSS”
  • …ahem. Anyway.
  • Mr. Utterson is “of Gaunt Street.” O-kay then.
  • Hyde’s refusing to look at Utterson. Maybe it’s just his eyes that are glowing blue.
  • In fairness to Hyde, “let me see your face” is kind of a weird request in most situations.
  • Hey, RLS, if we could actually get a description of what Hyde looks like, posthaste, that would be amazing.
  • Hyde lives in Soho, because of course the theater district is full of evil twins or whatever.
  • So I guess I was kind of on the mark with that Soho tweet earlier.
  • Hyde: “How did you know me?”
    Utterson: “By description.”
    That’s a pretty loose application of the word “description,” if you ask me.
  • Utterson literally just asked about Jekyll, and Hyde still can’t figure out who their mutual friends are. Just check Facebook, bro.
  • okay wHY DO I KEEP FINDING ANTS CRAWLING ON ME THIS IS THE THIRD ONE TONIGHT
  • Alright, folks, we’ll have a small commercial break while I get my butt the heck away from this particular chair.
  • For your commercial break entertainment, here’s what’s currently playing over here:
  • Alright, end commercial break. (I’m still shooting glares over my shoulder at our living room chair, but it’s whatever.)
  • *advertisement voice* Guess who’s buying Target out of Terro(TM) Ant Killer tomorrow? 😀 😀 😀 😀 8D
  • Great, now every time my skin crawls I swear it’s an ant. Which actually puts me in exactly the right mood for this.
  • Hyde’s like “dude, Jekyll wasn’t supposed to tell people I existed!” Just generally freaking out.
  • Bro, I guarantee that if you step on little children in broad daylight, you’re going to get yourself a reputation.
  • Aaaand Hyde practically Apparated into the house. Who wants to bet he’s heading straight for the liquor cabinet?
  • At least Utterson does a better job of articulating what the heck’s wrong with Hyde.
  • “The man seems hardly human!” Hm, now that actually brings up all sorts of interesting ideas about human nature and stuff.
  • I’ll have to think about all that when it isn’t super-late.
  • Now Utterson’s going to see about Jekyll himself, which would have been a super-good thing to do, oh I don’t know, A WHILE AGO
  • For Pete’s sake, not even Poole the servant really knows where Jekyll is.
  • Utterson’s chilling in Jekyll’s living room while Poole goes and does his thing. It’s a swanky place. Nbd or anything, I mean.
  • Although I do appreciate the fact that Utterson’s unease makes even this luxuriant setting seem creeptastic. Nice lampshading.
  • “‘We have all orders to obey [Hyde.]'” – Poole. Because clearly that’s going to turn out so well.
  • A wild Dr. Jekyll appears! Seriously, where the heck did this guy come from?
  • Hm, now this is interesting. Jekyll is “a large, well-made, smooth-faced man.” Contrast that with Hyde’s simultaneous shortness and ugliness
  • Hyde is perhaps the less physically imposing of the two, but Jekyll (if that was indeed him we saw with the child) is still scared of him.  [note after the fact:  I misinterpreted, that doctor was just a random doctor and not Jekyll, whoops]
  • Um, Jekyll? I’m pretty sure most people would be at least somewhat chagrined if their lawyer wanted to talk about their will.
  • If you’re trying to pass everything off as completely normal, it’s definitely not working.
  • Ooh, and Jekyll’s definitely feeling the sting re: Lanyon. TELL ME MORE PLZ
  • One mention of Hyde on Utterson’s part made Jekyll go from verbose to don’t-freaking-touch-me in less than a second. Dang.
  • “‘This is a matter I thought we had agreed to drop.'” – Jekyll to Utterson
  • Now I really want to know what the heck their previous conversations about Hyde entailed.
  • “‘my position is a very strange – a very strange one.'” – Jekyll just now. I see what you did there with the repetition.
  • “‘The moment I choose, I can be rid of Mr. Hyde.'” – also Jekyll. YEAH SURE I BET
  • “I have really a great interest in poor Hyde” – of course you do, given that he’s literally you
  • Jekyll also refers to Hyde as “that young man,” which makes the earlier reference to Hyde as his “benefactor” really weird.
  • I don’t know, was it possible for younger men to be benefactors to older men? Would a doctor like Jekyll have actually needed a benefactor?
  • “I only ask you to help him for my sake, when I am no longer here.” oh my GOD, Jekyll, what the heck did you DO?!
  • Like… he basically gave birth to the Joffrey version of himself, and now that thing’s going to outlive him? That’s massively not good
  • I am definitely still creeped out by this story
  • We’ve jumped forward a year. Good heavens.
  • Man, even this maid knows who Hyde is.
  • Ooh man, the murder victim had papers addressed to Mr. Utterson on him. The plot thickens
  • So Hyde killed Carew with Jekyll’s staff. Ouch.
  • The woman at Hyde’s house has “an evil face, smoothed by hypocrisy.” I’m getting goosebumps just from that line.
  • The disorder of Hyde’s rooms is reminding me a little bit of the luxuriant chaos of Lady Audley’s bedchamber.
  • This part of Jekyll’s house is “indifferently known as the laboratory or dissecting rooms.” Indifferently.
  • The place is a “dingy, windowless structure.” Now we’re finally getting some of that trademark Gothic architecture.
  • Oh man, Jekyll isn’t in a good way. Sounds like someone partied too hard last night.
  • “I’m so done with Hyde” – Jekyll, basically. SURE YOU ARE.
  • How convenient that Mr. Guest happens to be good at analyzing handwriting.
  • And in news that certainly doesn’t surprise me, Jekyll and Hyde have approximately the same handwriting.
  • This chapter is titled “Incident of Dr. Lanyon.” Oh boy.
  • Jekyll fell off the Hyde-wagon after two months. Come on, man, you were doing so well.
  • Good grief. Jekyll looks terrible even for him.
  • Oh wait, it’s actually Lanyon who looks like ish warmed over. Never mind.
  • But still, dang. I wonder if Jekyll gave him some of his multiple-personality drugs?
  • RIP Lanyon.
  • Lanyon left Utterson an envelope… that had another envelope inside. Oohhh.
  • “Not to be opened till the death or disappearance of Dr. Henry Jekyll.” FOR GOD’S SAKE, UTTERSON, OPEN IT
  • “…professional honour and faith to his dead friend were stringent obligations” – DARN IT
  • Hi again, Enfield. Haven’t seen you for a few pages.
  • A wild Jekyll appears!… except he’s actually pretty lethargic, and he’s only sitting by an open window, moping or whatever.
  • Whoa. Talk about a mood swing.
  • Calling it now – Utterson and Enfield totally saw Hyde at the window before it was shut so abruptly.
  • On to the penultimate chapter (not counting Jekyll’s narration of the events).
  • A wild Poole appears! Oh man, and it looks like ish is super real.
  • “‘I think there’s been foul play,’ said Poole, hoarsely.” You don’t say.
  • Why did they go in through the front door instead of the back door? Isn’t Jekyll locked up in his lab? Or am I misinterpreting things?
  • Poole: “I want you to hear, and I don’t want you to be heard.”
  • “…if by any chance he was to ask you in, don’t go.” UM YOU DEFINITELY DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT NO SIR
  • So whoever the heck is in the lab definitely isn’t Jekyll. Or at least, not the Jekyll Utterson knows.
  • What, did he get stuck mid-transformation?
  • “whatever it is that lives in that cabinet, has been crying night and day for some sort of medicine” #withdrawal
  • Oh, so Poole’s actually seen the Jekyll-thing since all this stuff started going down, and he just didn’t think to mention it till now.
  • “Sir, if that was my master, why had he a mask upon his face?” – *loudly hums Phantom of the Opera*
  • Utterson insists that Jekyll is “seized with one of those maladies that both torture and deform the sufferer.” Keep telling yourself that…
  • And NOW Poole thinks to mention that the Jekyll thing is short. You could’ve mentioned that, like, five pages ago.
  • Utterson and Poole are about to break down a door, y’all. This is going to be good. *crunches popcorn*
  • Aaaaand now Poole says he thinks the Jekyll-thing is actually Hyde. Again, you’d have saved us a lot of ink if you’d mentioned that earlier.
  • …seriously, you two, just break down the freakin’ door already
  • So is Jekyll’s part of the soul trapped in Hyde’s body?
  • And the door is down!
  • …and would you look at that, Jekyll/Hyde seems to have offed himself.
  • “…it only remains for us to find the body of your master.” lololol good luck with that
  • Ooh, they found Jekyll’s will, and – holy crap, he left everything to Utterson.
  • Finally Utterson’s about to read Dr. Lanyon’s story.
  • Man, Jekyll concocted a super-elaborate plan to have Lanyon give him his drugs.
  • Really, Jekyll, you couldn’t have just left Lanyon’s house before morphing back into yourself?
  • I’d say it’s high time to read what Dr. Jekyll has to say for himself. 🙂
  • “lolz I’m so perfect my only flaw is that I’m too happy” – Jekyll in the very beginning. Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
  • Jekyll: “when will my reflection show who I am inside”
    Jekyll: “hOLY CRAP NEVER MIND”
  • “my scientific studies, which led wholly towards the mystic and the transcendental” –
  • um. I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
  • Oh god, Jekyll was visited by the Divine Light of Terrible Ideas. Because when a random light shines on you, that’s such a good sign.
  • Jekyll, you’re trippin’.
  • Seriously, Jekyll’s on some intense stuff. I’m half expecting him to talk about all the pretty colors next.
  • Everything he’s saying right now sounds right out of TFLN.
  • So basically Jekyll figured out how to make a Polyjuice Potion.
  • This whole thing is like some sort of effed-up supervillain origin story.
  • …no, brain. Don’t go there.
  • “by sloping my hand backwards, I had supplied my double with a signature” because that clearly threw so many people off
  • Hyde’s getting stronger, because of course. That’s what happens when you mess around with drugs, kids.
  • “I had been obliged on more than one occasion to double” – no no no no no BAD IDEA
  • Jekyll is his “original and better self” – really? Because Jekyll was the one who wanted the ability to do evil with impunity.
  • On the one hand, I feel sorry for Jekyll, because drug addiction is a terrible thing.
  • But on the other hand, I really question his claims that he, Jekyll, is so much better than Hyde.
  • The entire reason Hyde came into being in the first place? Jekyll wanted to blow off all his evil steam without remorse or consequences.
  • So is it really any surprise that Jekyll is slowly, permanently transforming into Hyde? Definitely not.
  • “Jekyll would suffer smartingly in the fires of abstinence” – see, this is exactly the sort of crap I’m talking about
  • “I was now confined to the better part of my existence” – yeah sure you are
  • At least Jekyll’s finally admitting that he’s kind of a major SOB.
  • “it was in my own person that I was once more tempted to trifle with my conscience” – it’s been in your own person this whole time, dude
  • this part tho: “comparing myself with other men, comparing my active good-will with the lazy cruelty of their neglect.”
  • Active goodwill, my foot. Bro, you are NO BETTER than those “other men” to whom you’re comparing yourself.
  • Whoa man, he just shapeshifted in broad daylight. (Perfectly symbolic, if you ask me.)
  • I feel like the alternate title for every Gothic story ever could be Terrible Life Decisions

There you have it!  I’ll be back with another livetweeting masterpost fairly soon, this time on The Picture of Dorian Gray.

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Carmilla, aka Vampire Leverage, aka The Styrian Job: The Masterpost

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not going to lie, I’m pretty proud of that last one

Hi again!  I spent my Saturday livetweeting my way through Sheridan Le Fanu’s Victorian-lesbian-vampire novella Carmilla.  Here, then, are all those tweets, as well as a few tweets regarding the web series based on Carmilla (yeah, that’s a thing and you need it in your life):

  • “I live in a castle. But I mean, I’m totally not rich or anything.” – our narrator, Laura, basically
  • Like quit your fake modesty, YOU STILL LIVE IN A FREAKING CASTLE
  • Update: it’s a castle in the middle of nowhere, basically [note after the fact:  so she has nobody to gloat at, really]
  • “Barely anybody lives here. I’m not counting servants, though.” – excuse you, Laura
  • Laura just called her past self “a rather spoiled girl.” At least she’s somewhat self-aware.
  • CREEPY VAMPIRE-GHOST-PERSON ALERT
  • Laura was just a kid, apparently, when this thing juST FREAKIN APPEARED IN HER BEDROOM AND STARTED CUDDLING WITH HER WHAT THE HECK
  • I’m only on page 3 and I’m already freaked out – good job, Le Fanu
  • “I was wakened by a sensation as if two needles ran deep into my breast at the same moment, and I cried loudly.” UM
  • The house staff are terrible at pretending they aren’t scared
  • Man, if a priest came into my house after a weird thing like that and prayed over everyone, that wouldn’t do a thing to console me.
  • “Laura, it’s okay, there’s nothing to worry about-” “yOU BROUGHT A PRIEST HERE ARE YOU JOKING”
  • “oh btw that girl you were going to hang out with is dead, totally forgot to tell you lol” – Laura’s dad, pretty much
  • From Spielsdorf’s letter: “‘The fiend who betrayed our infatuated hospitality has done it all.'” Today in painfully obvious foreshadowing…
  • Seriously, Spielsdorf could have just stopped at mentioning “the nature of her illness” and left it mysterious.
  • “‘the accursed passion of the agent of all this misery'” def sounds homophobic
  • Laura’s dad just quoted The Merchant of Venice, and now I wish I knew that play. Haven’t read it yet.
  • Four horses pull this carriage in which I’m sure Carmilla is sitting. Whether or not the apocalypse imagery is intended, it’s effective.
  • “my father, who piqued himself on being something of a physician” – yeah somehow that doesn’t make me feel better
  • So whether or not this older lady traveling with Carmilla is her mother, she’s part of this setup. Intriguing.
  • She’s got a whole team. It’s like vampire Leverage or something.
  • This old lady, very melodramatically: “‘Here I am, on a journey of life or death'” – seriously, why did no one think to ask her about that?
  • Oh man, what’s the old lady whispering to Laura’s dad?
  • Apparently there were a few black people in the carriage, too (described as “ugly,” so that’s great).
  • So basically the whole team dropped Carmilla off so she could do her thing.
  • “bye, hon, see you in about three months” “don’t forget to brush your teeth, you know how blood can stain them”
  • I’m getting a little morbid here. Moving on.
  • “You may be sure I was not long in availing myself of this permission [to visit Carmilla in her room].” Laura, your gay is showing
  • “There was a sombre piece of tapestry opposite the foot of the bed, representing Cleopatra with the asp to her bosom”- OH MAN OH MAN
  • Hahaaaaaaaaaa I need to take a moment for that one
  • That’s actually a really interesting allusion to make, though, because Cleopatra put the asp to her bosom.
  • The obvious implication is that Carmilla is the asp. But does Laura join with Carmilla so willingly as Cleopatra did with the asp?
  • The question of agency promises to be really interesting. I’ll have to keep an eye on that.
  • Ish just got real, y’all. “I saw the very face which had visited me in my childhood at night.”
  • Given how much the incident frightened Laura, I would think Carmilla’s reappearance would freak her out a bit more.
  • “hahaha I totally saw you in a dream, what a crazy random happenstance” – Carmilla, basically
  • “Her dimpling cheeks were now delightfully pretty and intelligent.” methinks someone’s gay crisis is in full swing now
  • Oh em gee, y’all. There’s HAND-HOLDING in this paragraph. And BLUSHING.
  • I’m sure I haven’t even gotten to the juicy parts yet, and this is already pretty much the gayest thing I’ve ever read.
  • In Carmilla’s “vision,” the Laura-phantom-whatever woke up screaming instead of doing the boob bite thing.
  • Points for a little more subtlety in foreshadowing, I guess?
  • “I did feel, as she said, ‘drawn towards her,’ but there was also something of repulsion.” literally the most accurate description of (1/2)
  • (2/2) internalized homophobia that I’ve ever read, not even kidding
  • Carmilla just turned down Laura’s offer to have a maid stay in her room with her. Can’t have the help seeing her coffin, right?
  • Carmilla to Laura: “‘Good night, darling, it is very hard to part with you…'” That is the most blatant Romeo and Juliet reference ever.
  • Honestly curious, is there anybody out there at all who still thinks this isn’t the gayest story ever? because let me explain you a thing
  • “I was delighted with my companion; that is to say, in many respects.” *waggles eyebrows*
  • Laura starts out chapter 4 by saying there were some things about Carmilla she didn’t like… and then goes into raptures about C’s hair.
  • It’s like you’re not even trying, Laura.
  • “She used to place her pretty arms around my neck” – brb searching for the perfect Felix Dawkins gif for this
  • Seriously, does anyone happen to have gifs of Felix’s face in that one scene where Paul and Sarah are about to get it on? That’s me rn.
  • FOUND IT
  • Seriously, I have never identified more strongly with Felix Dawkins
  • Okay no can we just talk about that one monologue of Carmilla’s because we discussed it in class and there’s so much in it
  • It’s the one that begins “Dearest, your little heart is wounded.”
  • …which is actually in itself a rather vampiric double entendre, I’ve just realized.
  • I mean, there are obviously some overtly sexual aspects to the monologue, especially considering the double meaning behind “dying.”
  • Laura keeps asking Carmilla what’s up with her, and Carmilla doesn’t precisely answer her question – but in a way, she kind of does.
  • “‘I obey the irresistible law of my strength and weakness'” – strength in that she can seduce Laura and weakness in that she can’t help it
  • Our class also talked about the connotations of the word “rapture,” which (importantly) is used twice in this passage.
  • “Rapture” has the obvious religious meaning of moving on to another life, a less earthly one.
  • Which, I think, could also definitely describe the process of becoming a vampire.
  • By describing her life as a “rapture,” Carmilla seems to be referring to her origin story in a sense.
  • Was Carmilla once a regular ol’ teenage girl like Laura? She makes it sound like she was.
  • And the other time Carmilla uses “rapture,” she tells Laura that she’ll experience something similar someday.
  • She seems to be saying that Laura will be raptured as well – turned into a vampire.
  • If this isn’t what actually happens, I’ll be so disappointed, because this is such a good setup.
  • “I experienced a strange tumultuous excitement that was pleasurable, ever and anon, mingled with a vague sense of fear and disgust.”
  • And that, folks, is exactly what a gay crisis feels like. Internalized homophobia wrestling with attraction – god. So good.
  • “I now write, after an interval of more than ten years” – but wait, earlier she said eight years. Has Laura lost her sense of time or what?
  • “Was there here a disguise and a romance?… What if a boyish lover had found his way into the house…?” hmmmmmmm
  • Laura’s trying to rationalize everything by hypothesizing that Carmilla’s actually male, in a nutshell.
  • “‘Carmilla used to come down very late, generally not till one o’clock.” yeah, Laura, that’s really not a surprise to me
  • breaking news, Laura, people sleep in sometimes
  • “She would then take a cup of chocolate, but eat nothing” – seriously, this just sounds like a college student diet
  • “…her native country was more remote than I had at first fancied.” ha hahahaha AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
  • Oh look, another dead girl. Charming. Been snacking on the side, Carmilla?
  • There’s a prevalence of only children – only daughters, actually – in this story, which is super-fascinating.
  • Which begs the question, actually – if Laura had “often seen” the ranger’s daughter, why weren’t they better friends?
  • I’d have to consider it more, but I get the feeling it’s at least partly about class distinctions.
  • Laura lives in a castle and didn’t count the servants as part of the family. She’s definitely got some rich-girl snobbery going on.
  • And you know, if Laura and the (sadly unnamed) ranger’s daughter had been better friends, Carmilla might not have come at all.
  • There would have been no weak spot, no loneliness for Carmilla to prey on.
  • “argh, the cross, it burns” – Carmilla, basically
  • The people at this girl’s funeral are singing hymns. I bet it’s their religious nature that’s so vexing Carmilla.
  • I hope we get a scene in which Carmilla is exposed to whatever secular music was popular in the day – and enjoys it.
  • “‘I don’t trouble my head about peasants. I don’t know who she is.'” – yeah, sure, Carmilla
  • Oh, and now we have a dead swineherd’s wife. Why on Earth isn’t Laura more concerned about this?
  • Laura’s talk of all this plague stuff actually sounds rather nonchalant. Come on, Laura, can’t you pick out foreshadowing when you see it?
  • (I mean, obviously not, but still)
  • Carmilla’s having a really hard time not vamping out.
  • She “frowned and compressed her lips.” #fangs
  • So wait, now we’ve got a Quasimodo character on the scene.
  • (there’s a time jump, I should probably clarify)
  • “…he was smiling from ear to ear, showing his white fangs.” UM
  • Did people use “fangs” as a colloquialism back then, or does she mean to say that this dude’s teeth actually looked like fangs?
  • I’ll have to look that up in the OED later.
  • [note after the fact:  I looked it up, and it actually was used as a slang term before this was published – by Dickens himself, no less]
  • “[Quasi’s monsters] were compounded of parts of monkeys, parrots, squirrels, fish, and hedgehogs, dried and stitched together” – UMMMMM
  • That’s so creepy, what the heck
  • Sounds like something out of @CrapTaxidermy
  • Basically this guy’s a one-man Creep Circus
  • “‘Will your ladyships be pleased to buy an amulet against the oupire'” – I checked the notes, and ‘oupire’ indeed means vampire.
  • So on top of being a nightmare taxidermist, Q’s a fearmonger and a quack. This guy’s got so much going for him, y’all.
  • “‘Here is a charm that never fails,'” he says, as Carmilla the actual vampire purchases one of his anti-vampire amulets
  • Well, actually, there are a couple different interpretations to that.
  • One possibility, indeed, could be that the charm is absolutely useless against vampires, and Q’s a no-good quack.
  • But if, by some chance, the charm actually does work, Carmilla might be purchasing it out of some degree of self-loathing.
  • A desire to chase away the vampiric, predatory part of herself, perhaps.
  • Honestly, though, I think it’s far more likely that Q’s just a snake-oil huckster.
  • Q knows what’s up, y’all: “‘Your noble friend, the young lady at your right, has the sharpest tooth- long, thin, pointed… like a needle”
  • And Q’s offering, whether facetiously or in all seriousness, to blunt Carmilla’s teeth.
  • I can’t think of a reason why Laura wouldn’t know what Carmilla’s teeth look like, given how much time they spend together.
  • So why isn’t she more freaked out?
  • Vampire pheromones, perhaps?
  • Brilliant, we’ve got another woman dying. And still Laura’s dad insists they’re all “natural causes.”
  • “Something of a physician,” my foot.
  • Oooh, Carmilla got mad at the mere mention of religion. Dang, girlfriend.
  • Oh hey, backstory- “‘I suffered from this very illness,'” Carmilla says about the ladies who’ve apparently been scaring themselves to death
  • That just further reinforces my hypothesis that she was human once and then turned into a vampire
  • Laura: “I should be very much [afraid] if I fancied there was any real danger of my being attacked as those poor people were.”
  • I feel like there’s still an undertone of class to that, despite the additional pitying connotations to the word “poor”
  • Okay, this next monologue from Carmilla is also really curious.
  • “Girls are caterpillars while they live in the world, to finally be butterflies when the summer comes” – kind of recalls the rapture thing
  • Caterpillars come into a new sort of existence when they become butterflies, which definitely recalls the new-life aspect of rapture
  • The transitive relation of caterpillars/butterflies to rapture and rapture to vampirism is a weirdly fascinating one, though
  • As if vampirism is simply the next level of being for humans
  • This son of the picture cleaner is the first son to appear in the novel. Every other child mentioned has been a daughter.
  • And this guy’s from the Outside World, too, which has all sorts of implications on which I’ll have to stew.
  • Oh my dear sweet lord.
  • Carmilla looks exactly like Laura’s mom, and LAURA STILL ISN’T CREEPED THE HECK OUT [note after the fact:  I misinterpreted, Carmilla just looks exactly like an old deceased member of the Karnstein family whose portrait Laura’s dad happens to have]
  • “oh hey you look just like my dear darling dead mum hahahaaa what a coincidence let’s make out some more” – Laura, pretty much
  • Laura and Carmilla just established that they’re both descended from the Karnsteins.
  • Apparently the Karnsteins are a Hungarian family. Romania probably would have been too obvious a reference.
  • Which actually makes Laura’s fleeting hypothesis earlier – that they’re related – true in some measure.
  • Laura literally just asked if she could hang this picture in her room. Um.
  • Laura and Carmilla are cuddling outside right now. This is the only appropriate gif.
  • “She kissed me silently.” – actual sentence that was actually just in this book
  • “‘I have been in love with no one, and never shall,’ she whispered, ‘unless it should be with you.'” – BRB SCREAMING
  • This is seriously on par with Kirk’s “dig it in there, Mr. Sp-“
  • Carmilla has a moment, and Laura thinks *she’s* the one who’s sick with the terrors or something. Oh, my sweet summer child.
  • Speaking of children, Carmilla calls Laura “dear child,” which is definitely a not-creepy thing to say to a lover who’s supposedly your age
  • Yeah, that definitely doesn’t reinforce the creep factor introduced by the whole Carmilla-looks-like-Laura’s-mom thing. Not at all. Nope.
  • Oh man, I can’t wait to write my capstone paper on this story.
  • Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh, Carmilla didn’t even take chocolate. Something’s definitely afoot.
  • Where’s Carmilla’s mom? GOOD FREAKIN QUESTION
  • bless you, Laura’s dad, for finally thinking to ask that
  • Carmilla’s considering leaving the castle and rejoining her mother, aka her team. That could have a variety of motivations.
  • One, the rest of the team could honestly be up to something else, and the fact that they haven’t contacted her yet means trouble.
  • Two, Carmilla doesn’t actually want to go through with killing and/or vamping Laura, like she apparently did with Bertha.
  • Three, she’s just afraid of being found out.
  • Whoa, okay, we are DEFINITELY getting some sort of origin story stuff here
  • But first, let’s note this admission from Carmilla: “The time is very near when you shall know everything.”
  • So maybe she’s decided to vamp Laura instead of killing her, like (I suspect) she’s done with the other women who’ve died.
  • Filed under disturbing: “You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me and still come with me, and hating me through death…
  • “…and after.” I’m thinking death, here, doesn’t mean literal death but rapture.
  • “There is no such word as indifference in my apathetic nature.” – Carmilla. Um… what?
  • That’s just plain confusing.
  • A trip to the OED is probably in order…
  • So anyway, back to the origin story: Carmilla asked Laura if she’d ever been to a ball (no), and now Carmilla’s remembering her first ball.
  • “‘I almost forget, it is years ago.'” – Carmilla.
  • Laura: How old are you?
    Carmilla: Eighteen.
    Laura: How long have you been eighteen?
    Carmilla: …a while.
    SORRY I HAD TO
  • “‘Your first ball can hardly be forgotten yet.'” – Laura to Carmilla
  • Carmilla admits that on the night of her first ball, “‘I was all but assassinated in my bed, wounded here,’ she touched her breast, ‘and…
  • “‘…never was the same since.” Oh, now that’s an interesting coincidence.
  • Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m fairly sure balls were something of a rite of passage for girls then.
  • So on the night of her first ball, the night she started being (socially speaking) a woman, Carmilla also became a vampire.
  • She entered a new sort of existence, both socially and biologically speaking.
  • Huh. That’s something I’ll have to remember for my capstone paper. Anyway, moving on.
  • “Religion was a subject on which I had never heard her speak a word.” Oh for Pete’s sake, Laura, you don’t remember the funeral incident?
  • I can remember two occasions off the top of my head in which Carmilla gets angry at the mere idea of religion.
  • “The precautions of nervous people are infectious.” Fitting that Laura’s catching the paranoia that’s affecting all the other women.
  • This just in, Laura has to sleep with a night-light
  • Interesting bit from Laura here: “But dreams come through stone walls, light up dark rooms, or darken light ones, and their persons…”(1/2)
  • (2/2)”…make their exits and their entrances as they please, and laugh at locksmiths.”
  • What’s funny about this is that Carmilla first visited Laura in a dream. Or what she thought was a dream, anyway.
  • Which in turn makes the “dream” Laura has on this particular night especially creepy.
  • Laura’s visited first by “a sooty-black animal that resembled a monstrous cat” that bites her just as that dream-Carmilla did years ago.
  • Then, just as soon as she’s bitten, Laura “waked with a scream” and sees a woman at the foot of her bed, standing like stone.
  • I’m so sure Carmilla is just Morticia-Addamsing it up here
  • “As I stared at it, the figure appeared to have changed its place, and was now nearer the door”- HOLD UP, Y’ALL, WEEPING ANGEL ALERT
  • Laura wakes up for real and goes to check her door. It’s still locked, because of course it is.
  • Even Perrodon and La Fontaine are getting creeped out by this point.
  • Carmilla saw the same sort of thing that Laura saw, because OF COURSE SHE DID.
  • Carmilla uses “anti-vampire charm” to deflect suspicion. It’s super effective!
  • Granted, Laura’s so under the influence of vampire pheromones or whatever’s in Carmilla’s magical perfume that that’s not saying much
  • At this point, I’m pretty sure the anti-vampire charm is a worthless piece of trash and Carmilla’s just milking the heck out of it.
  • …pretty sure Carmilla just pinned the efficacy of the charm on the placebo effect.
  • “…every morning I felt the same lassitude, and a languor weighed upon me all day.” Oop, looks like someone’s feeling vampy.
  • “Dim thoughts of death began to open” – oh god. I mean, I know she lives, because she’s telling us the story, but still NOT GOOD
  • “[Carmilla] used to gloat on me with increasing ardour the more my strength and spirits waned.” aaahhhhhhhhh not good not good
  • Stage 4 Vampire Syndrome makes you Feel Things, apparently. “Vague and strange sensations” are Laura’s exact words.
  • I’ll just leave that there.
  • These “vague and strange sensations” eventually come to include phantom touches. Cue a rather sexual-sounding description of said touches.
  • On top of everything, Laura looks like a stereotypical vampire now: “I had grown pale [and] my eyes were dilated and darkened underneath…”
  • Laura’s dad: You sure you’re okay? Laura: I’M FINE, DAD, GOSH. *slinks off to a chaise-lounge or something*
  • “It could not be that terrible complaint which the peasants called the oupire” – ahahahahaha about that…
  • Oh man, here comes a really creepy dream.
  • “‘Your mother warns you to beware of the assassin,'” says the mysterious person in this dream. Well, THAT could go a couple different ways.
  • “…Carmilla, standing, near the foot of my bed, in her white nightdress, bathed, from her chin to her feet, in one great stain of blood.”
  • YIKES (and yes, there really are that many commas in that sentence, to my chagrin)
  • Lots of ambiguity here – is Carmilla the murdered or the murderess? Victim or villain? Mother or assassin? Both? Neither?
  • Cue a gigantic game of hide-and-go-freak.
  • Oh, NOW you think to mention there are secret passages in your house? Thanks, Laura, that would’ve been good to know way earlier.
  • So Carmilla just turned up again. I can’t decide if she’s faking being freaked out, or if she’s genuine.
  • I mean, the likeliest explanation is probably that Carmilla skipped out for whatever reason. But why?
  • A late-night meeting with her team, possibly? [or a midnight snack?]
  • LOL at Laura’s dad trying to persuade himself that he can just science away all this weird stuff
  • A wild doctor appears!
  • Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh, there’s a blue spot where Laura got bitten. #vampirehickey
  • I seem to remember one of the critics we read for class describing General Spielsdorf and Doctor Spielsberg as “laughably interchangeable.”
  • So they are, indeed.
  • Day trip to Karnstein! Whoo! Picnic time!
  • Laura’s dad wants to see the priest who lives there “on business.” By business, I suspect he means “an exorcism.”
  • And Carmilla isn’t going with them, because of course.
  • A wild General Spielsdorf appears!
  • General Spielsdorf: Vampire Hunter
  • No, seriously: “angrier passions seemed to have had their share in bringing [his change in appearance] about.”
  • “‘You believe in nothing but what consists with your own prejudices and illusions.'”- Spielsdorf is chewing Laura’s dad OUT
  • Laura’s dad’s response: “‘I am not such a dogmatist as you suppose.'” OH YES YOU ARE
  • Well, maybe Laura’s dad isn’t looking to perform an exorcism, but Spielsdorf sure is.
  • Laura’s dad is super-eager to hear what Spielsdorf has to say. Get the popcorn, folks, this is going to be good.
  • It can be no accident that Spielsdorf’s story starts out with a ball, like what Laura and Carmilla were discussing earlier.
  • Ooh man, both Carmilla and her “mom” went in for the kill with Bertha. Tag-teaming it.
  • Mama ‘Milla was just like “c’mon, you totally know me” and Spielsy was all like “you’re wearing a mask, dude”
  • “‘…the young lady, whom her mother called by the odd name of Millarca'” – JESUSMADIA IT’S AN ANAGRAM OF CARMILLA
  • HOW MUCH MORE BLATANTLY OBVIOUS CAN IT GET, GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY
  • Spielsdorf jokingly asked if he could call Mama ‘Milla “Madame la Comtesse,” which just sounds weird to me. Like “Mrs. Miss” or something.
  • Ooh, Madame has a manservant who’s deathly pale. Another vamp, I’ll stake my fortune on it.
  • In class we talked about Carmilla and co. using chivalry to their advantage. This is exactly what happened to Spielsdorf, and he knows it.
  • Carmilla’s previous names: Lilac Mar, Clam Liar, Carl Lima, Lacrimal
  • Spielsdorf’s story even has a Miraculous Disappearing Millarca. For heaven’s SAKE WHY IS NO ONE ALARMED YET BESIDES SPIELSDORF
  • These parallels are whacking everyone over the head
  • Pretty sure both Laura and her dad couldn’t see parallelism if it did the macarena in front of ’em, though
  • Oh and would you look at that, Bertha exhibited the EXACT SAME SYMPTOMS that Laura has right now. WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
  • Aaaaaaaaand Laura’s finally put the pieces together. About time.
  • Wait, though, Laura’s basically realized what’s up and she’s not actually doing anything about it? COME ON.
  • Okay, looks like I misinterpreted earlier. The portrait that looks so like Carmilla isn’t of Laura’s mother but of another forebear.
  • “‘Why, [the Countess Mircalla] has been dead more than a century!'”- Laura’s dad
  • OH MY GOD MIRCALLA IS ANOTHER ANAGRAM OF CARMILLA JESUSFREAKINMADIA
  • COULD YOU BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS, CARMS
  • Clearly Spielsdorf’s been studying his vampire lore.
  • Oh man oh man, ish went down in the old village. Oh MAN.
  • “‘[The village] was troubled by /revenants,/ sir'” – random knowledgeable old man. YIKES
  • Thanks to Doom 2, all I can think of when I hear the word “revenant” is this bad boy right here:

    nasty dude

  • A wild Moravian nobleman appears!… in the random knowledgeable old man’s story.
  • THE MORAVIAN DUDE LITERALLY STOLE A VAMPIRE’S CLOTHES HELP I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING
  • Pardon me while I laugh my head off at the image of a naked zombie-looking vampire running up the stairs of a tower to get his clothes back
  • Whoa, this Moravian guy just knocked the vampire dude off the tower and went downstairs again to behead him. Harsh, man.
  • Oh my god, Spielsdorf has more to tell? Ugh. Just cut someone’s head off already, please.
  • Oh man, Spielsdorf saw the bitey black creature too. Honestly, this is sounding more werewolfy than vampiric.
  • I was relieved on hearing the voices of Carmilla and Madame” – AN ACTUAL THING THAT LAURA JUST SAID, HOLY FREAKIN BANANAS
  • SHE LITERALLY JUST HEARD A STORY THAT RAN MORE PARALLEL TO HERS THAN ACTUAL PARALLEL LINES AND SHE’S **RELIEVED** THAT CARMILLA’S COMING
  • “a horror began to steal over me” – oh YAY FINALLY A SENSIBLE REACTION
  • “my heart sank as I thought that my friends were, after all, not about to enter and disturb this triste and ominous scene” – COME ***ON***
  • A wild Carmilla appears!
    Spielsdorf uses Ax Attack! It’s not very effective.
    Carmilla uses Death Grip + Vanishing! It’s super effective!
  • The chapter ends with the revelation that Carmilla, Millarca, and Mircalla are the same person. Seriously, I figured that out ages ago.
  • So is this weird-looking Baron dude a legit Slayer or…?
  • Oh hey, Mircalla’s tomb just so happens to be right here. Who woulda thunk it?
  • This is like some Indiana Jones ish.
  • So the next day they open the grave, and the gal in the coffin looks disturbingly alive. Big freakin’ surprise.
  • Oh man. They staked her AND beheaded her.

    gif credit to WordPress user theyearofhalloween

  • “Let me add a word or two about that quaint Baron Vordenburg” – yes please do
  • “he devoted himself to the minute and laborious investigation of the marvellously authenticated tradition of Vampirism” so basically Giles
  • Relevant Giles gif:
  • The Baron aka Giles finally had to spell it out for Laura that all these names were anagrams.

    credit to professionalfangirls.com

  • Oh god. That random Moravian guy was Mircalla’s ex-boyfriend. I don’t know how to feel about this.
  • So according to the rules of vampirism the Baron talked about, it’s entirely possible that once she’s dead, Laura will be a vampire.
  • And I’m done with Carmilla! Don’t know what I’ll be reading next, but I’ll watch @carmillaseries tonight and share my thoughts!
  • It’s been like two hours since I finished the book and the anagrams are still getting me
  • Just the fact that Carmilla’s anagrammed aliases were some sort of arcane Rule of Vampyr is strange as all get-out
  • Anyone have any idea if that corresponds to other aspects of vampire lore?
  • aaaaahhhhhhhhh why have I not been watching @carmillaseries because I like it a lot
  • the dialogue is natural, the acting is convincing (especially with Danny, my god that woman’s good), and that is the cutest dorm room ever
  • it does take quite a few liberties with the source material, but I think a huge part of that springs from the non-isolated setting
  • Laura’s castle is so isolated, whereas college is a fundamentally social institution, and this series milks that for all it’s worth
  • [TW: RAPE]
  • also can we talk about how Silas U not caring about the missing girls parallels real stories of rape victims grappling w/ their schools
  • so many higher ed institutions don’t care about stopping rape or punishing rapists, and the Silas U situation definitely recalls that
  • so tl;dr props to you @carmillaseries for being a super-intelligent, super-well-written series. you’ve got yourself a fan in me

Lady Audley’s Subtweets: The Masterpost

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(Thanks to Scott Grauer for inspiring the title!)

I’ve decided to make this livetweeting-literature thing into an actual, regular thing.  Here, then, are all the tweets from my read-through of Lady Audley’s Secret, by Mary Elizabeth Braddon.

  • I’m only on chapter 3 in Lady Audley’s Secret, and cousinlove is already happening.  Mildly squicked.
  • It might not be so terrible if Phoebe and Luke didn’t have the same last name.
  • Also, I’m definitely picturing Mia Wasikowska a la Jane Eyre as Phoebe.
  • The cousincest wouldn’t be as bad, either, if Braddon didn’t keep referring to Luke as “cousin.” That’s just rubbing it in.
  • I’m just going to go ahead and guess that George from the boat is Lucy’s ex.
  • Related: George is an unreliable twit. Lucy (or whoever) is better off without him.
  • Oh god, please tell me this book isn’t hinting at Robert/Alicia now… Uncle/niece would be even worse than cousin/cousin
  • “the late Miss Lucy Graham” WAIT WHaAT
  • I’m just assuming that “late” refers to the fact that Graham is no longer Lucy’s surname, nor is she a Miss…
  • Ugh. Go away, George. I don’t like you.
  • Oh god. Helen Talboys’ obituary. Yikes.
  • I’m still sticking to my Lucy hypothesis. Maybe she had to fake her death for some reason.
  • “‘I did not desert her,’ George cried out” – OH YES YOU DID YOU DISCARDED BAND-AID
  • Five chapters in and I still have zero sympathy for George Talboys
  • The only characters I actually care about at this point are Lucy and Alicia
  • I’m ambivalent towards Michael, and Phoebe and Luke skeeve me out too much for me to like them
  • I might like Robert if he actually calls George out on being a jerk. That’s unlikely to happen, though.
  • Oh yeah, and I lost even more respect for Phoebe once she stole the piece of paper.
  • Like, any normal person would find a secret drawer in someone else’s jewelry box and think, “oh, cool, maybe I should just look”
  • And meanwhile Phoebz is over here like LOL NOPE
  • “LOLOL STEALING IS SO MUCH FUN. RIGHT, COUSIN-BABE?” – Phoebe, probably
  • Definitely picturing Donald Sutherland as Captain Maldon
  • George is wondering how Maldon paid for Helen’s medical treatment. To hawk my Lucy theory, what if Michael paid for it?
  • Ahhhhh, and George didn’t properly introduce Robert. The Lucy hypothesis has to be right.
  • Whoa. Robert’s been put in charge of George Jr.? That was abrupt.
  • Braddon keeps describing George as a “big ex-dragoon.” All I can think of is that CAH card- “a sad fat dragon with no friends.”
  • Oooooooohhhhhh. Lucy’s “too ill to entertain visitors.” Methinks she just doesn’t want to see her jerk of an ex.
  • “terrible chain of evidence”/”the one and only criminal case in which [Robert] was ever to be concerned” – YIKES
  • I have to say, though, I’ve really come to appreciate more subtle foreshadowing.
  • “HEY LOOK A REALLY REALLY BAD THING IS GONNA HAPPEN” – hopefully not every single one of the books I read this semester, by like chapter 3
  • I honestly don’t blame Alicia for being ticked off. The trope of dad-marrying-a-woman-not-much-older-than-his-daughter is a skeevy one.
  • Actually, I’m kind of starting to get irritated with all this textual fawning over Lucy. She’d better get a lot more interesting, stat.
  • Like yeah, okay, she’s gorgeous, I UNDERSTOOD THAT THE FIRST FOUR TIMES YOU SAID IT
  • “…he would only lift his eyebrows to the middle of his forehead…” Why can’t this entire book be told from Alicia’s POV?
  • “I am falling in love with my aunt” – OH PLEASE GOD NO
  • Oh, thank heavens. Braddon just completely dismissed the possibility of Robert/Alicia. (If she goes back on her word, though…)
  • From now on, plot devices will be referred to as “secret passages”
  • Robert and George are in Lucy’s suites now, looking at her paintings. They’re saving the one of her for last. *taps foot*
  • Dear Ms. Braddon, you don’t have to continually remind me of your characters’ last names. Trust me, I remember.
  • …………………………….so has my Lucy hypothesis just been shut down?
  • Wow, George’s got one heck of a bee in his trousers.
  • Ooh, the dog doesn’t like Lucy… let’s just say I’m having my suspicions now.
  • George is missing. Calling it now – his is the dead body that’s supposed to turn up sooner or later.
  • Alicia just referred to Robert and George as Pythias and Damon. To Wikipedia with me!
  • Me opening the Wikipedia article: *gay gay gay.gif*
    Wikipedia: “trust and loyalty in a true friendship”
    Me: drat
  • “Much gay interest has been ascribed to the ancient couple.” *waggles eyebrows*
  • Lucy: “This is very strange. I did not think men were capable of these deep and lasting affections.” WHOA THERE, GET SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN
  • Z-snapping it out over here
  • “Robert… noticed a bruise upon her delicate skin.” #theplotthickens
  • “…not one bruise, but four slender, purple marks, such as might have been made by the four fingers of a powerful hand…”
  • George. George. George. Calling it now.
  • (I’m still stubbornly hanging on to the Lucy hypothesis, in case it wasn’t obvious)
  • The last chapter’s title was “Missing.” This chapter is called “Still Missing.” How thoroughly imaginative.
  • “‘I mean the pretty lady; the lady that was dressed so fine…'” Little Georgey has to mean Lucy. I’m sure of it.
  • Wait, why is Robert so upset about the telegraph? Didn’t Morden [Maldon] just tell him the exact same thing?
  • I’ve reread that bit four times, trying to figure that out. Oh well.
  • After declaring to himself that he “cares for” George at least five times, Robert “threw himself dressed upon his friend’s bed.”
  • (I mean, that kinda screams GAY to me, but…)
  • Update: Robert literally falls asleep on George’s bed. Oh my god.
  • I officially love the phrase “intellectual tarantella”
  • There’s no way Phoebe’s vague resemblance to Lucy won’t come up later as a plot point.
  • Now Lucy’s talking about “the story of a beautiful woman who committed some crime.” Because that totally won’t arouse suspicion or anything.
  • “Remember that story? Wasn’t that a weird story? What’d you think about it? Asking for a friend.” – Lucy, basically
  • This just in: Phoebe will discard job security in favor of marrying her first cousin. ALRIGHTY THEN.
  • PHOEBE JUST ADMITTED THAT LUKE’S A VIOLENT JERK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
  • “I don’t think I can love him.” – actual words from Phoebe’s mouth.
  • My sympathy for her just shot through the ceiling, into the apartment upstairs, and through the roof.
  • “Do you think, then, if murder is in him, you would be any safer as his wife?” IN WHICH LUCY SPEAKS THE GOSPEL TRUTH
  • Seriously, Lucy is speaking so much truth right now. I hoped in a previous tweet that she would get more interesting, and she has.
  • WHOA MY GOD. Ish just got SO REAL.
  • Luke knows whatever the bejeezers it is that Lucy did, and he’s basically blackmailing her. WHOA.
  • And he forced Phoebe to tell him, too. I don’t want to know how he managed that.
  • I need to take a moment or several to process this, I think.
  • NO. PHOEBE AND LUKE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED. NO NO NO.
  • God, I hope someone pulls a Sissy Jupe and GETS PHOEBE OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE
  • #phoebemarksdefenseleague
  • So it’s been what, three months since anybody heard anything from George? And Robert didn’t even bother to get the police involved?
  • I guess Robert’s lethargy overpowered his vaguely gay emotions.
  • (Related: I’m so glad I had cause to type that sentence. Something about it brings me great joy.)
  • (it was probably the gay bit, who am I kidding)
  • There’s supposed to be a dead body somewhere in this book, right? It can show up any time now, just saying.
  • Oop, Alicia just turned down something like a proposal.
  • Quit it, Robert, you’re not Sherlock Holmes.
  • “‘Such a nice girl, too, if she didn’t bounce!'” *glares at the page* shut up, Robert.
  • Sir Harry Towers is acting so friendzoned right now. Get over yourself, dude.
  • “‘[Girls are] very pretty, and they’re very friendly to a fellow, but I don’t care about ’em.” – Sir Harry Towers, for real, just now
  • Holy bananas. Harry is, in all actuality, a friendzoned jerk.
  • Oh god. Michael’s actually, seriously considering Robert/Alicia. Please god no.
  • Michael’s kicking Robert out of Audley Court. Whoa.
  • And now Robert’s staying at Phoebe and Luke’s house-inn-thing. Frying pan to fire much?
  • Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh, Robert knows what’s up.
  • “‘What, indeed, is a hundred pounds to a man possessed of the power which you hold… over the person in question?'” #zsnap
  • This chapter title: “Robert Receives a Visitor Whom He Had Scarcely Expected.” Today in clumsy foreshadowing…
  • So Lucy’s telling Robert that it was Michael’s idea to kick him out… when really it was hers in the first place… hmmm…
  • Oooh, and Robert just told Lucy that he knows what’s up. It’s getting intense, y’all.
  • It’s been… how long since George disappeared? Four to six months, at least? And nobody’s made an effort to look for him?
  • Lucy’s off to London instead of Audley Court once more. The plot thickens.
  • So… a blacksmith stole something from Robert’s room? I think that’s what’s been happening here…
  • Chapter 19 summed up: Robert finds out nothing new, and he’s still super-sad about George.
  • Robert’s actually being, you know, a lawyer now.

    Gif of Andrew Garfield in The Social Network saying,

    You tell ’em.

  • Maybe I missed something, but how does Robert just so happen to have the key to George’s trunk?…
  • Oh, come ON, Robert. Look in the books. Stuff’s always hidden in books.
  • And now Robert’s having some sort of spiritual awakening. Ooooookaaaaaay.
  • There was a lock of blonde hair in one of the books. And not just regular blonde, either. Super-blonde. Golden.
  • You’d think, with Robert being as infatuated with Lucy as he is, that this particular shade of gold would look more familiar.
  • Ooh, and there’s a mysterious inscription in this same book that actually made Robert feel things.
  • George’s dad is a jerk, as it turns out. Lovely. (With a name like Harcourt Talboys, though, that’s hardly surprising.)
  • “‘Who would have thought that I could have grown so fond of the fellow,’ he muttered, ‘or feel so lonely without him?'” – Robert, just now
  • *waggles eyebrows*
  • “…I know of a certain dear little girl, who, as I think, would do her best to make me happy” – OH DEAR GOD NO SHUT UP ROBERT
  • Forever skeeved out by love interests being referred to as “little girls” in any way, shape, or form
  • Oh, so NOW the kid’s willing to talk all our ears off. Cool. If only he could’ve done that, oh, ten chapters earlier.
  • Whoa, Maldon, calm down. Yikes.
  • “‘You have no right to come here and terrify a man who has been drinking'” – Maldon. And whose fault is it that you’re dead drunk?
  • Lol forever at Robert being probably the second-least qualified babysitter in all of England
  • So wait, Harcourt Talboys has a combover?
  • Whoa. Harcourt can hold a grudge like no other.
  • So basically Harcourt’s a documented jerk, and Robert’s going to see him anyway. We’ll see how this turns out.
  • My god, Harcourt really is a jerk of the highest order.
  • Ooh, and Robert’s playing him like a piano. I didn’t think I’d have occasion to say this, but go Robert.
  • A wild Clara Talboys appears!
  • Goodness, did she run all this way to catch up with Robert’s carriage? I like her already.
  • Oops, I think Clara Talboys just became my new favorite.
  • (I may or may not have a soft spot for emotionally repressed women…)
  • Man, why couldn’t this whole story have been told from Clara’s point of view?
  • Even considering Robert’s vaguely gay attachment to George, he’s far less interesting than Clara is.
  • Robert’s feeling a lot of things right now. It’s a bit jarring, to be honest.
  • *singsongy voice* Robert and Clara sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
  • Now Robert’s rhapsodizing about how fantastic women are.
    Gif of Sarah Manning in Orphan Black saying
  • OKAY NEVER MIND WOW
  • Robert went from this: “They want freedom of opinion, variety of occupation, do they? Let them have it.”…
  • …to this: “‘I hate women,’ he thought savagely.” In the space of about a paragraph, to boot.
  • Screw you, Robert Audley.

    Gif of the character Billy in School of Rock saying

    And you probably smell weird.

  • Robert just referred to George’s “good, honest, manly heart.” LOLOLOL SHUT UP
  • Uuuuuuuugh. I’m on chapter 7 of volume 2, and the dead body we’ve been promised STILL hasn’t turned up. *taps foot* any century now…
  • Alicia just wrote and told Robert to come back, because Michael’s sick. “Come at once, but say nothing about this letter,” she said.
  • For heaven’s sake, how much longer can Braddon drag this charade on?
  • Audley Court seems more alive than ever, and it’s creepy as heck.
  • Robert, why do you love Audley Court? It’s weird and creepy and haphazardly remodeled at best.
  • (not the first time Robert’s had poor taste, though)
  • Robert just went to Michael’s bedroom, and tl;dr Lucy’s still hot.
  • “‘Mr. Audley!!’ [Lucy] cried.” Ooh, two exclamation points. Spooky.
  • Oh man, Robert’s getting snarky as heck to Lucy.
  • “‘Your happiness, your prosperity, your safety depend alike on his existence.'” – Robert to Lucy
  • Basically this whole scene:
  • “‘I know that,’ [Lucy] said. ‘Those who strike me must strike through him.'” Hey, Robert, need some ice for that BURN?
  • And look, Robert’s still trying to exonerate Lucy. Come on, get over yourself. She’s clearly George’s ex-wife. CLEARLY.
  • So basically Robert has a teatime kink?… yeesh.
  • Alicia has zero patience for any of this, and it’s so refreshing.
  • How fortunate that the dressmaker just so happened to be there when Robert was asking the baker about Mrs. Vincent.
  • The place where Mrs. Vincent lives “has rather a dismal aspect,” like every single other location in this godforsaken book.
  • Mrs. Vincent’s house sounds like the interior of a shoddy antiques store.
  • oh my god there’s a character named Tonks this is not a drill
  • please tell me you named Tonks after the character of that same name in Lady Audley’s Secret
  • All this snippiness between Mrs. Vincent and Tonks is unreal. Wow.
  • Blah blah blah, Robert’s mind goes on another misogynist tangent, I DON’T CARE.
  • Clever move, Robert, getting the top label off Lucy’s suitcase.
  • What do you want to bet that the address he found is George’s old address?
  • Robert is complaining about how he can find nothing else regarding Lucy’s past. Isn’t the address enough? Couldn’t he just confront her?
  • Seriously, if he could just get permission to dig up Helen Talboys’s grave… although Lucy may have designed to put another’s corpse there.
  • So never mind about that, I guess.
  • UGH ROBERT YOU CAN QUIT WITH THE MISOGYNIST RANTS ANY TIME NOW
  • “‘If my poor friend, George Talboys, had died in my arms'” – good heavens, Robert, could you sound any gayer?
  • Robert mutters to himself by way of internalization. Really.
  • A wild Clara appears again!
  • So Robert wants to solve this mystery in part for Clara, but… he doesn’t want Clara to know what he’s doing to solve the mystery?
  • “‘I am a lazy, good-for-nothing fellow, Miss Talboys'” – Robert, in a remarkable moment of self-awareness
  • Yay, a switch to Clara’s POV! About time.
  • Oh, Alicia, you have no idea…
  • So Robert’s basically laying out the facts as he knows them, but he’s giving George way too much credit.
  • Wait, it’s been two months since Robert visited and Michael was sick? Good god, this book drags more than I thought it did.
  • Ugh, now the narrator’s getting in on this misogynist commentary. S T O P
  • “‘You shall never live to do this,’ she said. ‘I will kill you first.'” – Lucy’s hardcore, y’all.
  • And now Lucy’s pulling a Hannibal and trying to convince everyone that Robert is crazy. My god.
  • Now Braddon is rhapsodizing about how pure Michael’s love for Lucy is. I hope to everything that she’s being satirical.
  • Okay, we get it, Michael’s fatal flaw is that he can’t be bothered to look closer at anything, NOW MOVE ON.
  • Phoebe came to Lucy on Luke’s orders, looking for more money to pay for the inn. In other news, Luke is still awful.
  • Also, Phoebe just made the mistake of mentioning that the inn has nearly burned down three times, so now Lucy’s considering arson.
  • Robert sent another threatening letter to Lucy, and man, is Lucy ever out for blood now.
  • Why couldn’t things have gotten this intense ten chapters ago?
  • Michael smiles in his sleep. What a nerd.
  • Lucy’s making herself feel better by thinking about how hot she is. I’m not making this up, folks.
  • Lucy’s supposedly having an epiphany that she wants to kill Robert. But didn’t she say something to that effect a couple chapters ago?
  • “She… stopped as Lot’s wife may have stopped, after that fatal backward glance” – okay, this is actually a really interesting bit
  • Comparing Lucy to Lot’s wife, on the one hand, downplays the severity of what she’s done/what she wants to do.
  • Lot was the one who almost offered his daughters up to a horde of rapists that was knocking at his door. Much more unforgivable imo.
  • But the only crime Lot’s wife ever committed came from a moment of disobedience. She looked back. That was it.
  • I mean, clearly there’s probably a whole essay in comparative morality here
  • But by abandoning her child (like Lot almost did), Lucy one-ups Lot’s wife in a sense, and things will just get worse if Lucy kills Robert.
  • With that said, though, the comparison to Lot’s wife is interesting in the sense of names
  • Unless there’s something I’m not remembering, or some tradition to which I haven’t been exposed, Lot’s wife never has a name.
  • Similarly, on only a few occasions is Lucy actually referred to as “Lucy.” Mostly she’s just “Lady Audley.” Defined by her husband.
  • In this scene, for example, Braddon refers to her exclusively as Lady Audley.
  • Braddon doesn’t just let this Lot’s-wife analogy go, either.
  • She refers to “the terrible process that was to transform [Lucy] from a woman into a statue.”
  • What with the timing of that phrase, it makes me think that wanting to kill Robert is the sin for which Lucy will ultimately suffer.
  • (whether or not she actually goes through with it)
  • Which, again, is much worse than simply looking back at a burning city, if you ask me.
  • This bit where Lucy can’t seem to move her lips is a little surreal.
  • As if she’s embodying “speak no evil” or something.
  • The phrase “walking costume” just seems rather absurd, though I am curious as to what specifically such a costume would look like.
  • [some number of days passes]
  • Alright, folks, who’s up for a return to Lady Audley?!
  • (she says after taking a ridiculously long break from it, whoops)
  • When we left off, Lucy was about to go on a midnight stroll. As you do.
  • “[Phoebe] began to fear that my lady was going mad.” FINALLY you catch on, Phoebs
  • Lucy’s new maidservant “looked very sleepy, and had some difficulty repressing a yawn even in her mistress’s presence” – #gpoy
  • At least Braddon seems to have some sympathy for Lucy. And in fairness, she’s been in a pretty terrible situation.
  • Sneaking out through the library window. Dang, Lucy.
  • Or never mind, looks like this room just leads to another room. #buzzkill
  • Interesting, though, that Alicia’s influence is so clear in this room. Kind of mirrors Alicia’s earlier invasion of Lucy’s space.
  • In class, we discussed the passage in which Robert and George go into Lucy’s quarters and the portrait gallery.
  • What was interesting to me was that Alicia’s directions to them as to how to enter the bedchamber were super-duper precise.
  • So the question that occurred to me is… how often has she done this very thing? Has she done it since Lucy married her dad?
  • There’s a whole paragraph about Lucy being tempted to flee and deciding against it. Holy character development, Batman.
  • “‘If the struggle between us is to be a duel to the death, you shall not find me drop my weapon.'” – remind me never to make Lucy mad
  • Lucy just referred to Luke as Phoebe’s “beautiful husband.” The sarcasm, it burns.
  • Ohhhhhh, I bet Lucy’s about to set some stuff on fire.
  • Yeah, we already knew Luke was a jerk. No need to elaborate, seriously.
  • Oh god, Luke’s drunk and basically threatening Phoebe. I’m legitimately scared all of a sudden.
  • This is freakier than any old Gothic house.
  • Lucy uses “ENTRANCING HAIR.” It’s super effective!
  • Excuse me while I snicker at the comparison of Lady Audley’s eyes to those of an “angry mermaid.”
  • Oh god, Lucy’s DEFINITELY about to set things on fire.
  • At this point, I’m pretty sure George Talboys’s body will just plain never be found. Resigning myself to disappointment.
  • Phoebe’s room at the inn is cheaply decorated yet somehow gaudy.
  • This scene is hammering home for me that Lucy and Phoebe are supposed to be parallel characters, two sides of the same coin.
  • LOL at Phoebe realizing what’s up the minute she sees the fire.
  • “I’m sure that fire is someplace that totally isn’t your pad” – Lucy, basically
  • Phoebe’s freaking out now, and rightfully so.
  • NO, PHOEBE, DARN IT. You totally had it for a second there.
  • Protip: never accuse your former boss and current loan-payer of arson when you two are alone, outside, in the middle of the night.
  • Lucy’s walking away from this huge fire like
  • Great excuse for looking like crap, Lucy. Because everybody’s going to believe you when you say you were reading all night.
  • Braddon seems to know a lot about what it’s like to hear someone dead mentioned as if they’re alive.
  • ALICIA oh my god, you’re slaying me over here
  • “his hat [will be] sleek and shining as if it had been brushed with a pat of fresh butter” – help, I’m laughing
  • Again, this whole thing should’ve been from Alicia’s point of view.
  • “an awkward genie just let out of his bottle” – Alicia re: Robert. SNICKERING FOREVER
  • OH MY GOD MICHAEL STOP SHIPPING YOUR DAUGHTER WITH HER COUSIN PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING SACRED
  • But I love how Braddon *doesn’t* do a Beatrice/Benedick thing with Alicia and Robert (sorry y’all, I’ve been spoiled for the end)
  • Like no, Alicia’s actually just that snarky
  • ugh, not Harry “Friendzoned” Towers again
  • If Harry actually makes a reappearance, I may puke
  • Oh my god, and now Alicia’s called Robert a “peripatetic, patent refrigerator.” I can’t stop laughing.
  • “‘How should such a sluggish ditch-pond of an intellect as [Robert’s] ever work itself into a tempest?'” – Alicia
  • Holy crud, Alicia’s on fire today.
  • NO SERIOUSLY MICHAEL THIS WHOLE DAUGHTER-SHIPPING THING IS GETTING CREEPY AS HECK AND YOU CAN STOP ANYTIME
  • oh god
  • Michael, according to Braddon, forgets that some men can go “unscathed amidst legions of lovely and generous women.”
  • Well, at least Braddon’s calling Michael out in this extended section of omniscient-narrator musings.
  • You know, I definitely figured out that Robert had the hots for Clara Talboys about fifteen chapters ago.
  • Hey Robert, you can stop trying to make us feel sorry for Harry Towers any time now.
  • “Alicia shut herself in her own apartment to read the third volume of a novel.” And this is volume three of the story. Coincidence?
  • Yikes. Pretty sure that was almost a suicide attempt on Lucy’s part.
  • “Amongst all spies, a lady’s-maid has the highest privileges.” DARN STRAIGHT
  • Oh god, Lucy wants to take a walk with Alicia. WHAT’S YOUR PLAY, LUCY
  • “metaphysical dry-rot” is my new favorite phrase, just saying
  • ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • creepy footsteps, y’all
  • get the popcorn, this is going to be good
  • LOLOLOL Robert’s just like
  • Robert knows EXACTLY what’s up and now he’s speaking that truth
  • One good thing did come out of this fire, though – Luke got the burning of his life. Well-deserved, if you ask me.
  • Robert has zero sympathy for Lucy. And by zero, I mean like zero Kelvin.
  • Lucy has officially lost it.
  • “‘You have conquered – a MADWOMAN!'” crikey
  • “madwoman” was in small capitals too, which just makes me think of Terry Pratchett’s Death
  • Robert “makes no attempt to prepare” Michael before spending a whole huge paragraph prefacing his news.
  • Michael’s ready to kill Robert for accusing Lucy. Yeesh.
  • Aaaaand Lucy’s launching into the story of her entire life. Should be interesting, at least.
  • Oh SNAP. Lucy’s mom is/was a “madwoman” as well.
  • Although what exactly such an epithet means in this society is… questionable, at the very least.
  • Lucy describes her mother as a “girlish creature, who seemed as frivolous as a butterfly.” The act she’s put on has been in that same spirit
  • Braddon says so many times that Lucy acts frivolous. It’s fascinating that Lucy feigned her mother’s madness to conceal her own madness
  • Madness is matrilineal in her family. Fascinating.
  • “I do not believe that Sir Michael Audley had ever *really* believed in his wife.” that’s news to me
  • So now Lucy’s saying that her family’s madness is a condition that arises postnatally… there’s a whole essay in this
  • Regarding George: “‘I looked upon this as a desertion…'” As you rightly should, Lucy.
  • “‘I became subject to fits of violence and despair.'” Bipolar disorder, perhaps? I don’t know, I’m no expert.
  • Lucy’s madness would make for a super-interesting essay. Just the research alone would be fascinating.
  • (signs you’re an English major: you think of life in terms of essay topics)
  • Honestly, though, what Lucy calls madness I call having normal human emotions. Which says a lot about female emotion during the time.
  • I agree with Lucy – she had every right to think George dead after three years.
  • Seriously, this book would’ve been massively more interesting had it been from Lucy’s POV/about her escapades.
  • So THAT’S where the dead body in Helen Talboys’s grave came from.
  • Michael’s just like “eff this, I’m out of here”
  • “‘Oh, it’s you, Mr. Robert Audley,’ Alicia remarked, indifferently.” I just imagined her addressing him with a super-snarky tone.
  • Robert just went to the brother-sister zone with Alicia. Thank god. Far preferable to the cousinlove zone.
  • Okay but no that Robert-Alicia bonding moment was actually kind of the opposite of terrible
  • Yeah, Michael, you were kind of an ignoring jerk to Alicia. About time you owned up to it.
  • I can’t be the only one hoping Luke doesn’t recover from his burns…
  • Now Robert’s thinking the burden of Audley Court, which is now his, is his punishment for being a lazy bum. (I quite agree.)
  • Can we have a lot more of the downstairs staff speculating about what happened, Downton-style?
  • Almost forgot- earlier Braddon explained Robert’s fits of woman-hating by citing his hots for Clara.
  • Like no, that’s not actually an excuse. Nice try.
  • Lucy has officially lost it and is snuggled in the world’s most expensive blanket nest, looking forward to being institutionalized.
  • Robert’s making sure Dr. Mosgrave follows HIPAA and all that jazz.
  • Uh, dude, you’re going to need to tell Dr. Mosgrave what’s up if you want him to actually help Lucy. That’s kind of how doctors work.
  • Mosgrave: “What’s the problem?” Robert: “Owwww ow ow ow, it hurts so much!” Mosgrave: “No seriously, what is it?” Robert: “Help meeee”
  • Now he’s checking to make sure Mosgrave is actually the kind of doctor he says he is.
  • Because Robert’s exactly the sort of person who’d be too lazy to worry about that till the appointment itself.
  • Dr. Mosgrave’s getting a little impatient – and rightly so, if you ask me.
  • Oh man, Mosgrave is ON FORM.
  • “‘You would wish to prove that this lady is mad, and therefore irresponsible for her actions, Mr. Audley?'” – OOP THERE IT IS
  • “‘…there is no evidence of madness in anything she has done.'” *steeples fingers* do go on…
  • But seriously though, Dr. Mosgrave is setting the record straight and it’s fantastic
  • See, Robert, that’s what you get for not telling your doctor everything.
  • You sure you don’t want to get some lab tests to support that ten-minute diagnosis, Dr. Mosgrave?
  • For some reason, I get the feeling Dr. Mosgrave’s science here is bull. It’d be interesting to check that out, though.
  • WHOA WAIT – Dr. Mosgrave doesn’t see enough evidence that Lucy killed George, so he’s just going to help Robert cover the whole thing up?
  • What kind of sense does that make?
  • Let me get this straight. Dr. Mosgrave declared Lucy legally insane on the basis of one 10-minute convo with her, and now (1/2)
  • (2/2) he and Robert are just going to lock her up like that. I’m no expert, but I feel like that’s a bass-ackwards way to go about things.
  • What sort of informed consent would have been required? Was informed consent as much of a thing then? (I don’t think it was…)
  • So somehow Lucy has turned herself into a walking china cabinet. Fitting, I’d say.
  • This little town in Belgium, is “dilapidated,” like literally everything else in this book.
  • “ugh this is literally Corpse Bride and I hate it” – Lucy, basically
  • Lucy literally just figured out Robert was taking her to a madhouse. What, did she honestly think they going to Disneyland?
  • Was she genuinely imagining Robert hopping out of the carriage with a “sorry I accused you of murder and madness, let’s go see Minnie”?
  • Hey, Monsieur Val, you probably ought to think twice about including the word “inmates” in your welcome speech.
  • The story switches to present tense right after Val’s advertising spiel. Now that’s curious.
  • Man, Lucy’s mad at Robert. (PUN INTENDED)
  • Okay, honestly, how much longer is this book going to go on?
  • According to Clara Talboys, Luke’s about to die from the injuries he sustained in the fire. I’m actually not fussed at all.
  • So Robert gets a letter telling him to get his butt over to a dying man’s bedside, and what does he do? SIT DOWN AND LIGHT A PIPE, OF COURSE
  • Robert, quit being a boobock and GO.
  • Sick or not sick, Luke’s still being his usual jerkish self. I definitely won’t be sorry to see him go.
  • “‘You was oncommon fond of that gent'” – actual thing that Luke just said about/to Robert re: George
  • If the drunken boor can see the gay, that says a lot imo
  • “I GOT A SECRET” – Luke, for the last three minutes (come on, just spill)
  • wait wait wait wait wait whoa wait what
  • George Talboys is ALIVE, Y’ALL.
  • I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this
  • “yay, I don’t have to settle for his sister now” – Robert, probably
  • Luke, I thought you were about to die. Why are you still talking?
  • Ahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa, the pretentiously named Mr. Harcourt Talboys has literally no idea what to do with himself, and it’s fantastic.
  • Robert’s only talked to Clara twice, and he still wants to get some. I’d think someone as lazy as him would wait till the fourth date…
  • And now Robert’s pissed off at Clara because she can’t magically tell that he wants to get some. Grow up, Robert.
  • And now Robert’s acting like our old pal Sir Harry Towers and being a friendzoned jerk… albeit in the privacy of his own mind. Fantastic.
  • “get your life in order” – Clara, basically. I knew there was a reason I liked her.
  • Robert is actually the worst at admitting his feelings for Clara. #cringing
  • “Shall we go together, my dear love, and bring our brother back between us?” – AN ACTUAL THING THAT ROBERT ACTUALLY JUST SAID
  • A wild George appears!
  • Good heavens, George climbed out of the well – with one broken arm, to boot. Australia must have taught him quite a lot.
  • (also I’m definitely thinking of that scene in The Dark Knight Rises, the one with the treacherous wall)
  • “Two years later, everything is nauseatingly happy.” – this last chapter, basically
  • Oh god, if Alicia and George ended up together…………………….
  • NEVER MIND, SHE’S GOING TO END UP WITH HARRY. I HATE EVERYTHING
  • And on that grumpy note, I’m done with the book, and I still have half an hour to spare before class.
  • Tonight I’ll start livetweeting Carmilla. Lesbian vampires, y’all. Get excited.

Whoo, there you have it!  About 5000 words’ worth of tweets about this book… goodness gracious.  (Too bad this can’t actually count towards my capstone.)