I saw Man of Steel today. Parts of it were unintentionally hilarious, while the rest of it dragged ON and ON (seriously, what was with all those flashbacks? Wasn’t that the entire point of Smallville?), but my biggest quibble with it by far was this:
There was almost no sass.
Now, I subscribe to the Joss Whedon school of thought regarding sass (“Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke”), so this was just completely unacceptable. I know Superman’s supposed to be super-stoic, but seriously – not even one rip-roaringly funny line in the whole movie? No. Not cool, David S. Goyer. Therefore, I decided to seize some of the movie’s missed opportunities for sass. Here, then, is my sass-tastic rewrite of Man of Steel.
CLARK: This is going to hurt. (starts cauterizing Lois’s wound)
LOIS: Oh, I’ll be fi- OH MY GOD, YOU SADISTIC SON OF A MOTHERF- [censored]
JOR-EL: Kal… you’re pregnant.
CLARK: (sputters) What?
JOR-EL: And by that, I mean you have the genetic material for all as-of-yet-unborn Kryptonians wired into your cells.
CLARK: You could’ve just told me that, Dad.
CLARK: (examining his super-suit) Aren’t you worried this cape will catch on something?
JOR-EL: It won’t.
CLARK: (dubiously) Why?
(faint sound of Edna Mode yelling “NO CAPES!” in the distance)
LOIS: What’s the S for?
CLARK: (blah blah blah)
LOIS: Honey, no one on this planet is going to think that’s anything other than an S.
CLARK: You must be Zod, then.
MEAN-LOOKING ARMORED LADY: General Zod.
CLARK: (mocking voice) That’s Captain Jack Sparrow to you.
CLARK: Oh, it’s an Earth thing. You wouldn’t get it.
ZOD: (groaning in agony as he sees through his hands and all that stuff)
CLARK: (smug grin) My parents taught me to focus on what I want to see.
ZOD: (adjusts, grins evilly)
CLARK: (smug grin fades) Okay, maybe telling you that wasn’t the best idea.
RANDOM CITIZEN PLAYED BY WILLIAM SHATNER: Koloth, is that you?
ZOD: (turns to face the random citizen) Who?
RANDOM CITIZEN: Um… never mind. (runs away)
PETE: Man, did you really have to destroy my IHOP?
CLARK: Sorry, dude. Collateral damage.
PETE: That’s it, no more free pancakes on Sundays for you.
CLARK: (hangs head)
MARTHA: Clark, is that you?
CLARK: (comes into his house looking oddly scared)
MARTHA: Are you okay?
CLARK: Uh, Mom?
MARTHA: (unconsciously adopts her stern mom voice) What?
CLARK: I… think I accidentally put you out of a job?
MARTHA: …and how in the Sam Hill did you manage that?
CLARK: Um. I sort of broke Sears.
MARTHA: (looks down at her Sears employee shirt) Darn it, Clark, can you even go five minutes without breaking something?
ZOD: There’s only one way this can end. Either I die, or you do.
CLARK: That’s two ways, birdbrain.
CLARK: Not an insult, Zod.
FREDDIE LOUNDS: (walks into the office at the Daily Planet) Jack Crawford? What the [censored] are you doing here?
PERRY WHITE: …
CLARK: I need a disguise before I go into the Daily Planet… bingo! (picks up nerd glasses and puts them on) Oh yeah, I look totally different.
(he walks into the office, and Perry, Lois, and the other two folks give him the biggest s***-eating grins ever)