How to Give the Best Gol-Dang Speech Ever (Maybe)

  1. Agree to give a speech somewhere.  Speeches are kind of pointless if you can’t deliver them.
  2. Immediately wonder why on earth you agreed to give this speech in the first place.
  3. Have a convenient attack of the Social Anxiety Tendencies.
  4. ~headdesk~
  5. Repeat steps 2-4 ad nauseam.
  6. Actually try to write a speech.
  7. Recognize you’ve been beaten when it turns into a self-deprecating starving-artist jokefest.
  8. ~headdesk~
  9. Finally crawl out of your anxious hole and recruit your mother to help you.
  10. Have a convenient attack of the Micromanaging English Major when she sends you a draft and write a very different speech.
  11. Congratulate yourself on writing a rhetorical masterpiece.
  12. Worry that you won’t be able to deliver the speech right.  Especially the jokes.
  13. Spend ages trying to fit one last thing in there, even though you just can’t figure out how to say it or where exactly to put it.
  14. ~headdesk~
  15. Finally figure it out and spend the next two minutes congratulating yourself.
  16. Practice the speech in front of a mirror approximately umpthousandmillion times.
  17. Worry far too much about what to do with your face, hands, legs, elbows, and pretty much anything that isn’t your mouth.
  18. Curse your naturally croaky voice and try to speak in a higher voice.
  19. Curse the fact that your higher voice makes you sound like Regina George.
  20. Curse, period.
  21. ~headdesk~
  22. Worry that no one will read this entire post because this list is becoming way longer than you anticipated.
  23. Run your fingers through your hair in frustration.
  24. Get distracted by your hair and lose your train of thought entirely.  (That actually just happened.)
  25. ???


What comes next?  You’ll find out after I actually give this gol-dang speech on Tuesday…


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